Bloody Ink On My Pen Spelled Suicide

This one goes out to all you suicidal freaks. To those who are running low on hope. To those who have little faith. To all you broken and damaged kids with scars on your heart and on your wrists. This one goes out to all you fucked up people just like me.

If you're looking for a savior with magic answers to erase your problems it's not me.  If you're looking for someone to lead you out of your personal hell then look in a mirror. Stare long and hard at that person. Now envision the person you want that to be. Every single person on this Earth has a breaking point. Every single person has had tormenting thoughts. Every single person to say otherwise is a liar.

We all go through stages of self-loathing. We all look for an escape whether it's through books, music, drugs, or alcohol. We all gaze at the edge and wonder if we can keep going. I'm here to say that you can carry on, you can persevere through all the bullshit that surrounds us every day. These problems, these struggles that we have are all temporary. Let that sink in for a minute. Most of our problems will pass by us and be nothing but a memory. Do NOT let them cloud your judgement. Do NOT let them distort your mind. Do NOT let other people tell you to "just be happy". Stand up and tell them to stop trivializing your depression. Tell them that you're in a pretty rough spot and that you just need them to understand, not criticize.

Now stand up to that person in the mirror. Face him or her and shout that you are NOT my own worst enemy. I will not self-destruct. I will not give up. I will not fade away. My untimely death will not be how I'm remembered.

Imagine who you want to be--kill off the toxic parts of yourself. Kill off who you don't want to be. Kill the old version of yourself. Then, let the ashes settle as you begin anew.The mythological phoenix dies and is reborn countless times in it's life cycle. People are blessed with the same ability. If you aren't happy with yourself you can change.

I ask that anyone who is trapped in their mind to stare down that edge, take a deep breath, and leap over it. The longer you run from your demons the stronger they become. This life we live is a long one, and you won't win every fight, but that doesn't mean you have to go down easily.

-Sincerely yours,

     Someone just like you.

Secrets

Can you tell me a secret? 

Can you speak those words that have never passed your tantalizing lips? 

Only shouting them in your head I want you to say them aloud for all the world to hear.

Say it. 

Can you hear it? 

That faint whisper that seems like a dream. 

Destiny is calling. 

Will you answer and see what mysteries are waiting to be opened?

Beckoning to your plea, reaching out slowly only to trace the figure of your shadow. 

Will you disappoint the path that has granted you access, or will you forge a new one? 

Tell me, is your sight still cloudy or can you see the sun lighting ablaze the demonic presence that shrouded you in misfortunate misery? 

You are not your mistakes. 

Tear off the repressive guilt and craft a new identity. 

Start from the foundation and build your castle to the sky. 

Now tell me my darling, do you still believe in dying when you have hardly even lived? 

Breathe. 

      Exhale.

Let the oppression disappear. 

Let your eyes adjust to the light, and when you step outside with a clear mind, you will shimmer magnificently for all the world to see.

Uncertainty

Do you ever sit in your bed and wonder where life will take you? What will your career be? Who will you be in five years? Ten? Where you will be? I do occasionally, but I think it's mostly pointless.

Some people wish for a fairy tale ending, or something scripted straight from the movies. I think that is a terrific waste. Why? Because reality is much more dramatic. Reality is much more unpredictable. Reality is...it's just more beautiful. It's something that's next-to-impossible to recreate accurately. That's why the rare few movies that do get close to portraying life how it really is are fantastic. They're relatable and something we can find inspiration from.

I know the one thing a lot of people fear, myself included, is uncertainty about the direction of their life.  Legendary Doors front man Jim Morrison said it best with, "The future's uncertain and the end is always near". But really, honestly, the unpredictability is what keeps life interesting and fresh. Who wants to live the same day over and over? I mean Hollywood has even made movies regarding that very subject. Unexpected encounters, random phone calls, even winning (mostly losing though) the lottery are all chance occurrences that paint life a vivid and visceral color. It's real.

Sure, you can't go around aimlessly without any foresight, but if you knew how everything would fall together, or apart, you'd be defunct of free will. Free will which gives human beings the option to do anything, or to not do anything. Our choices and actions help define us.

I chose to live in NYC. I chose to major in history. I chose to be a vegetarian. I even chose to write this blog. You can make any assumptions you want about me on those four choices. The thing they don't tell you is why I chose them. I never planned any of them. They all just sort of fell into my lap. Unexpectedly.

I thought I'd stay in Ohio and go to University of Cincinnati or Ohio State for four years before moving out of the Midwest. I thought I'd play it safe for awhile to get my life under control since my high school days were anything but. However, when have I ever been known to play it safe? That's not like me. That's why when the opportunity presented itself I packed up my life and moved to NY. It wasn't scripted. It wasn't planned. It sure as hell wasn't easy, but it was the best decision I ever made. 

What happened to humanity?

     I would like to ask everyone what they view is the greatest threat to humanity, the greatest evil. The one thing that is destroying society. The one thing that is tearing people apart. I'm sure most of you watch or read the news, or at least glance at it occasionally. I was reading Time Magazine and I was appalled, sickened, and disgusted with what I read. At any given point there appears to be a war going on somewhere. Whether it's in Iraq, Syria, or Mali. The suicide of Adam Schwartz for illegalyl downloading some documents (seriously why is this still a crime?). The rape of that young women in India who later died in the hospital. The fight between Israel and Palestine. It. Is. All. Fucking. Bullshit.

     I can't help but ask myself what the hell is going on? It's so easy to point to cultural or religious differences for some of the current tragedies happening but that would be false. This is a worldwide epidemic. There is no magic cure to this disease. The truth is that the despicable acts that humans commit are what sells newspapers and scores ratings. That is something that really needs to change for humanity to move toward peace. To not glorify homicidal shooters, war, or anything that falls into those lines. I mean really, can any of you look at yourself in the mirror and confidently say, "I am completely happy to be living in this world. I don't think there is a single thing I would change". If you think you can then you're obviously delusional and I advise you to seek psychiatric help. I mean, come on, unless you're happily married with kids get the fuck out of here. (Metaphorically speaking, I know some of you have wonderful spouses and children. =) )

Now, some of you may be thinking what does a 20 year old college student know about the world, or what's wrong with it. For starters it doesn't take an expert to see humanity is sick. We are all suffering from a disease. In fact I'm sure all of you reading this know exactly what I'm talking about and where I'm coming from. If you have any objections or arguments I would love to hear them.

     On a strictly personal level I have never experienced a travesty. No one close to me has died, thankfully. I am not stricken with a debilitating illness. I am perfectly healthy, living in the greatest city in the world, attending college, and living in a comfortable apartment with plenty of food. I have no complaints, but I like to be an observer. I will occasionally hear the eruption of gunshots through my window. I walk past homeless people with outstretched hands daily. I listen to stories of people dealing with such hardships it makes my life seem like a Saturday morning cartoon. New York is a place where people will generally ignore anyone and everyone. I mean I saw a woman shitting on the street in the Upper East Side last week, which came as quite a shock.

We all have our own agendas and places to be, and yet sometimes we catch a glimpse of something greater, of someone helping another human being.  An injection of empathy is what humanity so desperately needs. The ability to look at your enemy that is throwing rocks, and try to understand why. Not merely to get angry and retaliate (I'm looking at you Israel),  but to try and be rational.

 What the hell is wrong with people these days? I feel like everyone is going fucking crazy. I am only 20 years old and yet I am witnessing all this absolutely idiotic crap go down. Humanity needs a wake up call. We need to wake the hell up and stop killing each other. As far as I'm concerned, if everyone in the world could just empathize with each other then there would be far, far less turmoil. God, it truly pisses me off that some people can't get a long, no not even that, they don't even ATTEMPT to get a long. I mean children aren't born with an inherent sense of hatred because of race, gender, or any other factors. That's all something they are taught as they grow. It's no surprise that the one constant throughout all of history was warfare, and that's just pathetic. Will we ever evolve past that? My mother always taught me to be nice to people and respect them, as well as their opinions. I think the rest of the world should take my mother's advice and suck it down like the last sip of water in the desert...maybe then people will learn what it means to be a human being. Until the rest of the world gets a clue, I ask all of you to open your hearts, minds, and feelings to another and learn a thing or two.

The House that Doubt Built

Everyone has had doubt at some point in their life. Doubt that your work is good enough. Doubt that you can land a girl's number. Doubt that you deserve that girl. It surrounds people daily, yet for some they seem to be brimming with confidence and face no doubt whatsoever. I don't know how the fuck they do it. I've struggled with doubt in many aspects of my life. Doubt that I should have such amazing friends. Doubt that I can make it in my career. Doubt that I can make it in NYC. Doubt that I'd be able to get into college. Doubt that I'd even make it through High School alive. I've faced some serious lows in my life where I bathed in doubt, depression, and despair. They almost all coincide with each other it seems, playing the twisted game of trying to destroy a man. I mean, shit for a long while I didn't think I'd be able to get into any college. At that point being dead seemed like a better option because at least then I wouldn't be consuming resources but damn.

Through the last three years I've grown more as a person than I ever deemed imaginable. I owe it all to my interesting life. I was reckless. I was ruthless. I was an idiot. I partied harder than most of the people around me, and yet still found it a good idea to drive home multiple times. The fact that I never killed myself, or worse yet someone else, is a miracle in itself. I was charged with a DUI once , again a miracle happened(I'm starting to think God kind of likes me), got dropped out of court for lack of evidence. This was my first foray into the wonderful world of doubting everything about my self-worth. I mean, one why the hell did I get so lucky? I constantly thought about whether it was just some dumb fluke or that God wanted me to pursue a higher purpose, and that's assuming that my image of God even exists, which I again have my doubts about.

But enough of the doubt and depressing bullshit. No one wants to hear about how the protagonist is defeated or stopped by his demons. That makes for an absolutely shitty story and I'm not trying to outdo Twilight. Anyway, I've had some incredible luck in my life. I've also had some incredible friends and family to drag my ass around, to push me to succeed. I doubt myself all the time, but what 20 year old college kid doesn't? I mean, what normal person doesn't doubt themselves at times? Hardly anyone knows what they want out of life, even if they're older. Most people merely settle for whatever is around them and that is not what I'm about. I moved to New York for a reason. It hasn't been easy by a longshot, but I have two things that keep me going.

If I succeed and hit my mark, then all my haters can go disappear because I made it. If I fail, at least I had the balls to try something different, put it all on the line for something that mattered. I bought the ticket and choose to take the ride. Why didn't you?

YentUp?

YentUp? What the heck is a YentUp? I'm sure you're asking yourself that now. I asked myself that just a few weeks back. Well, you know how there are certain sites online where you can pay to get a doctor's expert advice, or a lawyer's? That's one thing YentUp does, except it's better, because it's free. They offer free advice from experts, or as they affectionately call them, Yentsperts.

Now, I know you could always turn to an advice column in a paper or magazine, except the Yentsperts advice is directly addressed to you. It is directly personalized for you. They have experts on almost every field imaginable. If you have a question, need help, or just want an opinion on history, psychology, relationships, sports, music, film, or anything else possible, then YentUp is made for you. Actually let me make a correction, you don't just get one opinion, you get two,  and it's all done via video so it adds an even more intimate touch. Do you want to know the best part though? You will be able to ask questions 24 hours a day. I'm sure I can't be the only one who has experienced a bad break up at four in the morning just looking for someone to talk to. At least, I hope I'm not. Anyway YentUp can be that proverbial shoulder to cry on, just try not to get your laptop too wet or it may short circuit. Believe it or not that has happened to me...

Okay, now that the image of me weeping over my laptop is gone from your head let's move on.  Advice isn't the only thing YentUp will have to offer. They'll have message boards, videos, and many more treats for you. One in particular is a Yentagram, something I know you will all love, which I will go into more detail in another post. Although YentUp hasn't launched its website yet, it will be doing so shortly. All they have now is a holding page but I would encourage you all to sign up for updates. I mean, why wait? Plus, you may have a chance to win a special prize if you sign up early enough. Until then, try to not break up with your significant other until you have Yentsperts to console you. If you have any questions or are just looking for some information then send an e-mail to info@yentup.com .

http://www.yentup.com/       <------------- Check it out. No really, do it.

A Nightmare in the Awakened

"Those words...I cannot let them pass my lips. I will not. I don't believe in what you're proposing. I can't do this anymore. This is where I leave.....I'm sorry Jax. Enjoy your summer." - Sophia

My name is Jax. I am currently 20 years old, white, 5'11, and of very average build. I am a self-medicater, depressed, and quite guilt-ridden. I am currently being processed for release from Pathways Rehabilitation Center. My doctor said that I am perfectly healthy now--a model kid. If he honestly believes that bullshit that is spewing from his lips, and I'm a model kid, our world is doomed.

He also told me that a 50 mg script of Zoloft would help keep me "balanced".  If you think it sounds like crap, I agree.I mean, I'm not too sure what he means by that, but the image that comes to my mind is a teeter-totter. Except it's impossible for it to ever stay balanced because someone always weighs more.

Now, I'm sure all of you are wondering why I was in a mental health facility, and I'm sure you all have your own guesses. Well, I'd rather not go into all the bloody details, but I'm trying this whole honesty thing now so whatever. I tried to off myself a few weeks back. Don't get too alarmed. They were feeble, half-hearted attempts. For one I just laid under the exhaust pipe of my car for about 20 minutes...but I was outside so you can see why that didn't work. The other one I tried to choke myself with an extension cord tied tightly around my neck. That was even more pathetic. I mean, Carradine did it on accident and I couldn't even do it on purpose. Truly pathetic. It's really sad to fail at everything in life, even trying to extinguish it.

Umm, so I'm not really sure where to continue. Where should I begin? Every story has to start somewhere right? But I don't want to leave out any important details. See, my therapist told me to write out my reasons for trying to commit suicide, but it's not so simple as making a list.

-lack of motivation
-legal troubles
-family issues
-feeling like a complete disappointment
-feeling like a complete failure
-lack of real friends
-lack of a girlfriend
-depressed
-substance abuser

While that list is a brief overview, it doesn't exactly tell you who I am, or why I felt the way I did. That's why I'm writing down all I can remember with the hope that I can learn something about myself, about my past behavior, with the idea that maybe, if I'm lucky, I'll know where I'm headed in the future.

Well Dr. Kesey, I think I know where my story beings, but I'm still a little unsure of the ending. Hunter S. Thompson said to just  "buy the ticket, take the ride" and that "if it occasionally gets a little heavier than what you had in mind, well...maybe chalk it off to forced conscious expansion". Here's hoping he wasn't a complete lunatic because I can't afford to buy another ticket, especially after I tried to punch out my first one.

                                               -Jax