Disappointed

     Disappointed. That word holds more weight to me than any other word I know. Disappointed in my felony four vandalism charge. Disappointed in my DUI charge. Disappointed in my three or four underage alcohol consumption charges. (I'm honestly not sure how many it is. Sad I know) I'm disappointed in my actions this previous weekend.

     It feels like I'm constantly switching between being content with who I am, and feeling completely worthless. It's a complete transformation. It's really a constant struggle; a rather annoying one at that. However, what's more annoying is the perception people get from disappointment. They think that one mistake, or a series of mistakes defines your character and entire person. Not true at all. I have a drinking problem. That's obvious to see. What I don't have is a problem with being violent, racist, homophobic, close-minded, or any other thing along the same lines. I have some incredibly close relationships with some absolutely incredible people. Anybody I know isn't surprised when I trip and fall into the shit again. They know I do it quite frequently, but they also know I crawl back up and painstakingly wash myself off and take off at a sprint. They know it's not going to alter my character, if anything it only strengthens it as a whole. It enables me to deal with more adversity. If I went through my life without failing and disappointment then I would lose my passion, my drive to prove everyone wrong. If I constantly succeed or God forbid, exceed what people expect from me then I get bored. Also, people should know by now I can be erratic at times. I also love to party. It's not a crime but I take it to excess sometimes. I'm not lying to you when I say I've become a hundred times better in the past 6 months, but that doesn't mean all my old problems are magically cured.

     I want just want to say thanks to all my doubters. The people who I just love to disappointment over and over. To everyone who still expects me to end up in the ground early. To everyone who thinks I'm a failure. You guys are the only people who can get me motivated to stop being such a lazy ass. I truly thank you. I feed off of your disappointment. I abso-fucking-lutely love it. Everyday that I'm thankful enough to be alive I look in the mirror, and I see this person staring back at me. I am disappointed in that person, but not for the reasons listed above. I'm disappointed in myself because it's going to take me a little longer until I can make all my doubters eat their words. Sorry guys just give me a little more time.