Bloody Ink On My Pen Spelled Suicide

This one goes out to all you suicidal freaks. To those who are running low on hope. To those who have little faith. To all you broken and damaged kids with scars on your heart and on your wrists. This one goes out to all you fucked up people just like me.

If you're looking for a savior with magic answers to erase your problems it's not me.  If you're looking for someone to lead you out of your personal hell then look in a mirror. Stare long and hard at that person. Now envision the person you want that to be. Every single person on this Earth has a breaking point. Every single person has had tormenting thoughts. Every single person to say otherwise is a liar.

We all go through stages of self-loathing. We all look for an escape whether it's through books, music, drugs, or alcohol. We all gaze at the edge and wonder if we can keep going. I'm here to say that you can carry on, you can persevere through all the bullshit that surrounds us every day. These problems, these struggles that we have are all temporary. Let that sink in for a minute. Most of our problems will pass by us and be nothing but a memory. Do NOT let them cloud your judgement. Do NOT let them distort your mind. Do NOT let other people tell you to "just be happy". Stand up and tell them to stop trivializing your depression. Tell them that you're in a pretty rough spot and that you just need them to understand, not criticize.

Now stand up to that person in the mirror. Face him or her and shout that you are NOT my own worst enemy. I will not self-destruct. I will not give up. I will not fade away. My untimely death will not be how I'm remembered.

Imagine who you want to be--kill off the toxic parts of yourself. Kill off who you don't want to be. Kill the old version of yourself. Then, let the ashes settle as you begin anew.The mythological phoenix dies and is reborn countless times in it's life cycle. People are blessed with the same ability. If you aren't happy with yourself you can change.

I ask that anyone who is trapped in their mind to stare down that edge, take a deep breath, and leap over it. The longer you run from your demons the stronger they become. This life we live is a long one, and you won't win every fight, but that doesn't mean you have to go down easily.

-Sincerely yours,

     Someone just like you.

Secrets

Can you tell me a secret? 

Can you speak those words that have never passed your tantalizing lips? 

Only shouting them in your head I want you to say them aloud for all the world to hear.

Say it. 

Can you hear it? 

That faint whisper that seems like a dream. 

Destiny is calling. 

Will you answer and see what mysteries are waiting to be opened?

Beckoning to your plea, reaching out slowly only to trace the figure of your shadow. 

Will you disappoint the path that has granted you access, or will you forge a new one? 

Tell me, is your sight still cloudy or can you see the sun lighting ablaze the demonic presence that shrouded you in misfortunate misery? 

You are not your mistakes. 

Tear off the repressive guilt and craft a new identity. 

Start from the foundation and build your castle to the sky. 

Now tell me my darling, do you still believe in dying when you have hardly even lived? 

Breathe. 

      Exhale.

Let the oppression disappear. 

Let your eyes adjust to the light, and when you step outside with a clear mind, you will shimmer magnificently for all the world to see.

Uncertainty

Do you ever sit in your bed and wonder where life will take you? What will your career be? Who will you be in five years? Ten? Where you will be? I do occasionally, but I think it's mostly pointless.

Some people wish for a fairy tale ending, or something scripted straight from the movies. I think that is a terrific waste. Why? Because reality is much more dramatic. Reality is much more unpredictable. Reality is...it's just more beautiful. It's something that's next-to-impossible to recreate accurately. That's why the rare few movies that do get close to portraying life how it really is are fantastic. They're relatable and something we can find inspiration from.

I know the one thing a lot of people fear, myself included, is uncertainty about the direction of their life.  Legendary Doors front man Jim Morrison said it best with, "The future's uncertain and the end is always near". But really, honestly, the unpredictability is what keeps life interesting and fresh. Who wants to live the same day over and over? I mean Hollywood has even made movies regarding that very subject. Unexpected encounters, random phone calls, even winning (mostly losing though) the lottery are all chance occurrences that paint life a vivid and visceral color. It's real.

Sure, you can't go around aimlessly without any foresight, but if you knew how everything would fall together, or apart, you'd be defunct of free will. Free will which gives human beings the option to do anything, or to not do anything. Our choices and actions help define us.

I chose to live in NYC. I chose to major in history. I chose to be a vegetarian. I even chose to write this blog. You can make any assumptions you want about me on those four choices. The thing they don't tell you is why I chose them. I never planned any of them. They all just sort of fell into my lap. Unexpectedly.

I thought I'd stay in Ohio and go to University of Cincinnati or Ohio State for four years before moving out of the Midwest. I thought I'd play it safe for awhile to get my life under control since my high school days were anything but. However, when have I ever been known to play it safe? That's not like me. That's why when the opportunity presented itself I packed up my life and moved to NY. It wasn't scripted. It wasn't planned. It sure as hell wasn't easy, but it was the best decision I ever made. 

What happened to humanity?

     I would like to ask everyone what they view is the greatest threat to humanity, the greatest evil. The one thing that is destroying society. The one thing that is tearing people apart. I'm sure most of you watch or read the news, or at least glance at it occasionally. I was reading Time Magazine and I was appalled, sickened, and disgusted with what I read. At any given point there appears to be a war going on somewhere. Whether it's in Iraq, Syria, or Mali. The suicide of Adam Schwartz for illegalyl downloading some documents (seriously why is this still a crime?). The rape of that young women in India who later died in the hospital. The fight between Israel and Palestine. It. Is. All. Fucking. Bullshit.

     I can't help but ask myself what the hell is going on? It's so easy to point to cultural or religious differences for some of the current tragedies happening but that would be false. This is a worldwide epidemic. There is no magic cure to this disease. The truth is that the despicable acts that humans commit are what sells newspapers and scores ratings. That is something that really needs to change for humanity to move toward peace. To not glorify homicidal shooters, war, or anything that falls into those lines. I mean really, can any of you look at yourself in the mirror and confidently say, "I am completely happy to be living in this world. I don't think there is a single thing I would change". If you think you can then you're obviously delusional and I advise you to seek psychiatric help. I mean, come on, unless you're happily married with kids get the fuck out of here. (Metaphorically speaking, I know some of you have wonderful spouses and children. =) )

Now, some of you may be thinking what does a 20 year old college student know about the world, or what's wrong with it. For starters it doesn't take an expert to see humanity is sick. We are all suffering from a disease. In fact I'm sure all of you reading this know exactly what I'm talking about and where I'm coming from. If you have any objections or arguments I would love to hear them.

     On a strictly personal level I have never experienced a travesty. No one close to me has died, thankfully. I am not stricken with a debilitating illness. I am perfectly healthy, living in the greatest city in the world, attending college, and living in a comfortable apartment with plenty of food. I have no complaints, but I like to be an observer. I will occasionally hear the eruption of gunshots through my window. I walk past homeless people with outstretched hands daily. I listen to stories of people dealing with such hardships it makes my life seem like a Saturday morning cartoon. New York is a place where people will generally ignore anyone and everyone. I mean I saw a woman shitting on the street in the Upper East Side last week, which came as quite a shock.

We all have our own agendas and places to be, and yet sometimes we catch a glimpse of something greater, of someone helping another human being.  An injection of empathy is what humanity so desperately needs. The ability to look at your enemy that is throwing rocks, and try to understand why. Not merely to get angry and retaliate (I'm looking at you Israel),  but to try and be rational.

 What the hell is wrong with people these days? I feel like everyone is going fucking crazy. I am only 20 years old and yet I am witnessing all this absolutely idiotic crap go down. Humanity needs a wake up call. We need to wake the hell up and stop killing each other. As far as I'm concerned, if everyone in the world could just empathize with each other then there would be far, far less turmoil. God, it truly pisses me off that some people can't get a long, no not even that, they don't even ATTEMPT to get a long. I mean children aren't born with an inherent sense of hatred because of race, gender, or any other factors. That's all something they are taught as they grow. It's no surprise that the one constant throughout all of history was warfare, and that's just pathetic. Will we ever evolve past that? My mother always taught me to be nice to people and respect them, as well as their opinions. I think the rest of the world should take my mother's advice and suck it down like the last sip of water in the desert...maybe then people will learn what it means to be a human being. Until the rest of the world gets a clue, I ask all of you to open your hearts, minds, and feelings to another and learn a thing or two.

The House that Doubt Built

Everyone has had doubt at some point in their life. Doubt that your work is good enough. Doubt that you can land a girl's number. Doubt that you deserve that girl. It surrounds people daily, yet for some they seem to be brimming with confidence and face no doubt whatsoever. I don't know how the fuck they do it. I've struggled with doubt in many aspects of my life. Doubt that I should have such amazing friends. Doubt that I can make it in my career. Doubt that I can make it in NYC. Doubt that I'd be able to get into college. Doubt that I'd even make it through High School alive. I've faced some serious lows in my life where I bathed in doubt, depression, and despair. They almost all coincide with each other it seems, playing the twisted game of trying to destroy a man. I mean, shit for a long while I didn't think I'd be able to get into any college. At that point being dead seemed like a better option because at least then I wouldn't be consuming resources but damn.

Through the last three years I've grown more as a person than I ever deemed imaginable. I owe it all to my interesting life. I was reckless. I was ruthless. I was an idiot. I partied harder than most of the people around me, and yet still found it a good idea to drive home multiple times. The fact that I never killed myself, or worse yet someone else, is a miracle in itself. I was charged with a DUI once , again a miracle happened(I'm starting to think God kind of likes me), got dropped out of court for lack of evidence. This was my first foray into the wonderful world of doubting everything about my self-worth. I mean, one why the hell did I get so lucky? I constantly thought about whether it was just some dumb fluke or that God wanted me to pursue a higher purpose, and that's assuming that my image of God even exists, which I again have my doubts about.

But enough of the doubt and depressing bullshit. No one wants to hear about how the protagonist is defeated or stopped by his demons. That makes for an absolutely shitty story and I'm not trying to outdo Twilight. Anyway, I've had some incredible luck in my life. I've also had some incredible friends and family to drag my ass around, to push me to succeed. I doubt myself all the time, but what 20 year old college kid doesn't? I mean, what normal person doesn't doubt themselves at times? Hardly anyone knows what they want out of life, even if they're older. Most people merely settle for whatever is around them and that is not what I'm about. I moved to New York for a reason. It hasn't been easy by a longshot, but I have two things that keep me going.

If I succeed and hit my mark, then all my haters can go disappear because I made it. If I fail, at least I had the balls to try something different, put it all on the line for something that mattered. I bought the ticket and choose to take the ride. Why didn't you?

YentUp?

YentUp? What the heck is a YentUp? I'm sure you're asking yourself that now. I asked myself that just a few weeks back. Well, you know how there are certain sites online where you can pay to get a doctor's expert advice, or a lawyer's? That's one thing YentUp does, except it's better, because it's free. They offer free advice from experts, or as they affectionately call them, Yentsperts.

Now, I know you could always turn to an advice column in a paper or magazine, except the Yentsperts advice is directly addressed to you. It is directly personalized for you. They have experts on almost every field imaginable. If you have a question, need help, or just want an opinion on history, psychology, relationships, sports, music, film, or anything else possible, then YentUp is made for you. Actually let me make a correction, you don't just get one opinion, you get two,  and it's all done via video so it adds an even more intimate touch. Do you want to know the best part though? You will be able to ask questions 24 hours a day. I'm sure I can't be the only one who has experienced a bad break up at four in the morning just looking for someone to talk to. At least, I hope I'm not. Anyway YentUp can be that proverbial shoulder to cry on, just try not to get your laptop too wet or it may short circuit. Believe it or not that has happened to me...

Okay, now that the image of me weeping over my laptop is gone from your head let's move on.  Advice isn't the only thing YentUp will have to offer. They'll have message boards, videos, and many more treats for you. One in particular is a Yentagram, something I know you will all love, which I will go into more detail in another post. Although YentUp hasn't launched its website yet, it will be doing so shortly. All they have now is a holding page but I would encourage you all to sign up for updates. I mean, why wait? Plus, you may have a chance to win a special prize if you sign up early enough. Until then, try to not break up with your significant other until you have Yentsperts to console you. If you have any questions or are just looking for some information then send an e-mail to info@yentup.com .

http://www.yentup.com/       <------------- Check it out. No really, do it.

A Nightmare in the Awakened

"Those words...I cannot let them pass my lips. I will not. I don't believe in what you're proposing. I can't do this anymore. This is where I leave.....I'm sorry Jax. Enjoy your summer." - Sophia

My name is Jax. I am currently 20 years old, white, 5'11, and of very average build. I am a self-medicater, depressed, and quite guilt-ridden. I am currently being processed for release from Pathways Rehabilitation Center. My doctor said that I am perfectly healthy now--a model kid. If he honestly believes that bullshit that is spewing from his lips, and I'm a model kid, our world is doomed.

He also told me that a 50 mg script of Zoloft would help keep me "balanced".  If you think it sounds like crap, I agree.I mean, I'm not too sure what he means by that, but the image that comes to my mind is a teeter-totter. Except it's impossible for it to ever stay balanced because someone always weighs more.

Now, I'm sure all of you are wondering why I was in a mental health facility, and I'm sure you all have your own guesses. Well, I'd rather not go into all the bloody details, but I'm trying this whole honesty thing now so whatever. I tried to off myself a few weeks back. Don't get too alarmed. They were feeble, half-hearted attempts. For one I just laid under the exhaust pipe of my car for about 20 minutes...but I was outside so you can see why that didn't work. The other one I tried to choke myself with an extension cord tied tightly around my neck. That was even more pathetic. I mean, Carradine did it on accident and I couldn't even do it on purpose. Truly pathetic. It's really sad to fail at everything in life, even trying to extinguish it.

Umm, so I'm not really sure where to continue. Where should I begin? Every story has to start somewhere right? But I don't want to leave out any important details. See, my therapist told me to write out my reasons for trying to commit suicide, but it's not so simple as making a list.

-lack of motivation
-legal troubles
-family issues
-feeling like a complete disappointment
-feeling like a complete failure
-lack of real friends
-lack of a girlfriend
-depressed
-substance abuser

While that list is a brief overview, it doesn't exactly tell you who I am, or why I felt the way I did. That's why I'm writing down all I can remember with the hope that I can learn something about myself, about my past behavior, with the idea that maybe, if I'm lucky, I'll know where I'm headed in the future.

Well Dr. Kesey, I think I know where my story beings, but I'm still a little unsure of the ending. Hunter S. Thompson said to just  "buy the ticket, take the ride" and that "if it occasionally gets a little heavier than what you had in mind, well...maybe chalk it off to forced conscious expansion". Here's hoping he wasn't a complete lunatic because I can't afford to buy another ticket, especially after I tried to punch out my first one.

                                               -Jax

How...how do I it? How do I tell you that you mean the world to me? That I would not hesitate to give up my life for you? That I just want to hold you in my arms? That I want to love you forever and ever? That I want you right here by my side? That I want you to come back? That I think what you're doing is wrong and stupid? That I just want you to be mine again. That I want you to want me like I do you. How do I tell you that I love you and want you back in my life?

Answer the Door

Gazing at your pretty eyes I can tell you hide tremendous sadness behind them. 
Too scared to open the door inside you keep it locked from the other side. 
Girl, I know you don't want a savior, but you could use a little saving. 
Please don't turn to the shadows for cover. 
We're all a little broken. 
I'm captivated by your lovely smile, but I see past the thinly veiled veneer. 
I promise you this the key to freedom is in letting in a little more love. 
A little's enough. 
You may be a little broken, but so am I, and maybe with a bit of trust our cracks will align, falling into wondrous harmony. 
What will it be? 
Will you open up for me? 
Remember, if you never unlock the door you might just miss fate's knock.

Disease

I have this sickness in my soul. 
It grows a little stronger every day. 
The thoughts grow a little darker, my actions bleaker. 
It's a battle I've been fighting all my life, and it never gets any easier, never any better. 
I've been looking for a savior in all the wrong places. 
Desperately seeking a miraculous cure. 
Distractions are many, but they only conceal the pain, never taking it away completely. 
Nothing but a mere veneer. 
Confidence is waning. 
Hope is fading. 
Everything seems surreal. 
A mind is a terrible thing to waste but when you're trapped inside it seems like a good thing to lose. 
And the hard part is the only one who can save me is myself, and I have to ask: am I worth saving?

Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom

     I want to ask you all a question: where has the honesty, the truth-telling in society gone? I'm sure any of you who turned on the news in the last ten years have noticed that 75% of it is all shit. Complete and utter shit. In fact it's actually worse than that. At least shit can be used for fertilizer. Carl Bernstein, one of the main journalists to report on The Watergate Scandal, said it best with: “The lowest form of popular culture -- lack of information, misinformation, and a contempt for the truth or the reality of most people's lives -- has overrun real journalism. Today, ordinary Americans are being stuffed with garbage.” Maybe that's a contributing reason why America is one of the most obese countries in the world...

     No one likes to tell the truth anymore. Everyone puts up a facade. A veneer to cover up their insecurities, their fears, their worries. Some people tend to think that lying makes them more interesting or a better person. These people are so clueless and lost. The truth, reality, is far more intriguing than a long string of lies. The truth is real (obviously). It helps defines who a person actually is. It gives them depth, character, explains their flaws and their positive traits. To lie about yourself is really quite sad. It means you're not proud of yourself; you're not happy with yourself. To lie is to completely deny the very flesh and blood of who you are. And that my friends is a lot of bullshit, to deny who you are as a human being, as a tiny piece of God (sorry my atheists friends).

     I'm certainly not the best example of being an excellent, upstanding, or even a good student, brother, son, boyfriend, or friend but I refuse to lie about who I am, my past, or my stories. Most of you know about my troubled past and recurring problems (legal issues, drug and alcohol issues, mental issues, don't be afraid to ask more if you want), and I never shy away from going into detail. Why should I feel guilt or regret for who I am? I've owned up to my mistakes (and have repeated those same mistakes over and over) and I've learned a wealth of knowledge from them. I've literally told complete strangers some deeply personal stories because conversations, relationships should be an intimate thing. Social media and rampant cell phone use have degraded the art of having a real person-to-person conversation. While living in New York City, and having some absolutely amazing friends I am always meeting some of their friends from back home (or even just random people at parties), and I choose to tell them these personal things because it lets them into my world a little bit, lets them see how I ended up as me, and they feel more comfortable opening up themselves. When that person leaves and goes on with their life I probably won't ever see them again, but I'll know that the time we had together was real, it was a real moment. It was an honest moment. It was something that can't be fabricated. That is something that is truly special.

Lying is easy, if you have a good memory. It's also easy to get caught in a lie. Don't hide behind a wall of lies. Don't be such a fucking coward. One of my favorite, if not the most, quotes is by the legendary front man of The Doors, Jim Morrison. “People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all...Feelings are disturbing...Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”
Author Tad Williams says something similar as well, "We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us.  But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger"
Will Smith even has a few sentences to say on the subject: “You can't be scared to die for the truth. The truth is the only thing that is ever going to be constant.”

     If you lie your ass off and create these ridiculous stories you will never have a true, close relationship. I don't see how you could possibly feel fulfilled if you're a compulsive liar. People may tolerate you, but I don't see how they could possibly respect you. Speaking from personal experience I have a few friends who lie about the dumbest stuff and while I love them to death I am always questioning every little thing that they say. On the other side of the field I have a friend who is always completely honest, doesn't lie about the smallest things, and I have so much respect for him. I'll end with a quote by myself, Benjamin James Bockrath, mental case, decent student, occasional writer/poet, compulsive cleaner, history nerd, zoloft-taking, and sometimes a pretty cool guy: When you begin to be honest with yourself you will find that your life, however chaotic it is, will fall into place a little easier, a little smoother, and a little more enjoyable.

Innocent Girl

You played the role of an innocent girl and I fell into your sick web of love. 
You make breaking hearts look so easy.
Do you collect the blood you spill? Gather the tears that fall because of you? 
It's hard to carry on when I have to stumble past the path of corpses you left in your wake. 
I can only hope I don't become one of those poor souls. 


Can you still feel it? 
My heartbeat going at a steady pace. 
You sped it up, now you're trying to stop it altogether. 
I won't let it happen. 
I can't let it happen. 
I refuse to believe that my girl isn't out there somewhere,
past the sea of lies and mountains of despair. 
I'll strive to survive so I can gaze upon her unknown face. 


Maybe if I turn back now I can save my tear stained face. 
I wanted to be your last first kiss. 
Now its all memories miss. 
I hope to see you again in hell. 
I'm a couple steps ahead of you since you already threw me down here. 
Don't fret, I'll claw my way up so we can be on even footing.

College Life (Isn't what you expect)

We all have heard people say that college isn't right for everybody, except my generation really hasn't. Most of my life I've heard teachers, parents, and peers all say that college is the way to go. The way to get a good job that pays well. The way to success. Basically the way to happiness itself. I think it was the late, great Steve Jobs himself who essentially said that today society is way too focused on college and not enough on creativity. Everybody knows someone who didn't go to college and is doing quite well off today, or everybody can at least point to Bill Gates or Jobs who both dropped out of college. 

As my finals are approaching I opened up my notes and books an organized them, and then I started looking at this zombie story I'm starting to write and got distracted. For anyone who doesn't know me too well I'm pretty much the biggest zombie freak ever. I hope to kick it with Romero before he croaks. (Look him up you sad fools who don't know who he is.) See, I can think of a 100 reasons to continue to write my story and dream about it, and only about five for while I should study for my final. I never cared for my grades in high school. I'm a big fan of learning on your own, which I do a lot of. For example I'll dispel a few commons myths right now. Shaving does NOT make your hair grow back thicker and darker. Sugar does NOT make you hyper. Christopher Columbus never "discovered" America, and people back then NEVER believed the Earth was flat. A girl on her period does not release hormones that make her act like a "bitch". That's merely a product of our culture and society.(Ask me for my sources if you really honestly care and I'll be happy to send them to you.) There is so much disinformation out there it's ridiculous. There is so much crap that people spout off as historical when it's in reality a very skewed version of it. My high school history teacher who I very, very highly admire has even quoted a few "facts" wrong.

It all makes it really hard for me to find the motivation to do well in school. If I really cared about half of the stuff I was required to know I would do research about it on my own. My junior year in  high school I had to take a geometry class. It was the most boring class I've ever had the misfortune to be a part of. It wasn't the teacher's fault, entirely anyway. By the end of the year we had an unspoken agreement that I would just sit there and not disrupt her class if she just left me alone free to write worthless poems in the margins of my notes. 

I'm rambling at this point. I blame my idol Hunter S. Thompson for that trait. Anyway what I'm saying is that college can be a bullshit, overrated institution. I thought I would actually have to bust ass to pass. It turns out it really is just as easy as high school and what have  I learned from it? Not a whole lot. I feel like that it's similar to that quote from Good Will Hunting, "...you dropped a hundred and fifty grand on a fuckin’ education you coulda' got for a dollar fifty in late charges at the Public Library." It's so true. College is a sham. The public library and internet has everything your professors try to teach you. If you want the knowledge it's out there. Just go grab it. Yet society thinks if you don't have some shitty piece of paper that says you graduated from some shit college then you won't get ahead. Get a job. Blah, blah, blah. I've been told I'm lazy and unmotivated when it comes to classes...and it's true. I just don't care, and honestly I'm tired of trying to do it the traditional way. The commonly accepted way. Fuck that. I'll make it on my own terms.

Rabbit Hole

Thrust into the unknown.
Who knows what I'll become.
Tumbling down the rabbit hole,
Mud clings to my clothes and I'm afraid I can't see,
Can't see exactly what I'm supposed to be.

Dead or alive?
It's all so surreal.
I can't tell fact from fiction.
Sifting through delusions to uncover the truth, but the truth cannot be found
So I'm left to wonder did it ever really exist?
Was it ever something tangible, or was it merely a fairytale?
The answer may never be found but that doesn't mean the question shouldn't be raised.

And so I ask this, will I be a better man when all is said and done, or will I continue to stumble down the hole never gaining a foothold?

Disappointed

     Disappointed. That word holds more weight to me than any other word I know. Disappointed in my felony four vandalism charge. Disappointed in my DUI charge. Disappointed in my three or four underage alcohol consumption charges. (I'm honestly not sure how many it is. Sad I know) I'm disappointed in my actions this previous weekend.

     It feels like I'm constantly switching between being content with who I am, and feeling completely worthless. It's a complete transformation. It's really a constant struggle; a rather annoying one at that. However, what's more annoying is the perception people get from disappointment. They think that one mistake, or a series of mistakes defines your character and entire person. Not true at all. I have a drinking problem. That's obvious to see. What I don't have is a problem with being violent, racist, homophobic, close-minded, or any other thing along the same lines. I have some incredibly close relationships with some absolutely incredible people. Anybody I know isn't surprised when I trip and fall into the shit again. They know I do it quite frequently, but they also know I crawl back up and painstakingly wash myself off and take off at a sprint. They know it's not going to alter my character, if anything it only strengthens it as a whole. It enables me to deal with more adversity. If I went through my life without failing and disappointment then I would lose my passion, my drive to prove everyone wrong. If I constantly succeed or God forbid, exceed what people expect from me then I get bored. Also, people should know by now I can be erratic at times. I also love to party. It's not a crime but I take it to excess sometimes. I'm not lying to you when I say I've become a hundred times better in the past 6 months, but that doesn't mean all my old problems are magically cured.

     I want just want to say thanks to all my doubters. The people who I just love to disappointment over and over. To everyone who still expects me to end up in the ground early. To everyone who thinks I'm a failure. You guys are the only people who can get me motivated to stop being such a lazy ass. I truly thank you. I feed off of your disappointment. I abso-fucking-lutely love it. Everyday that I'm thankful enough to be alive I look in the mirror, and I see this person staring back at me. I am disappointed in that person, but not for the reasons listed above. I'm disappointed in myself because it's going to take me a little longer until I can make all my doubters eat their words. Sorry guys just give me a little more time.

Carry On

How do you find hope in a hopeless world?

How do you find joy when there is no joy to be found?

Where is the happiness hiding when you're in despair?

How do you escape when you're trapped in a dungeon of darkness that engulfs you?

The answer isn't easy to find, but it is there, lying under the tears.

 Take a breath,

  Relax,

   Close your eyes

    And search your heart.

You will find redemption.

You will find salvation.

It may be over a hill, or it may be over the tallest mountain peak.

But realize that everything, eventually comes to an end.

While you're in distress try to understand that life is beautiful.

You may not believe it to be true, but take a look around you and who or what do you see?

 Your friends.

  Your family.

The sun,

 The moon,

  The stars.

When you climb your obstacle and feel that all is lost, and you simply cannot go on,

Don't give up.

That's the moment your friends and family will throw your arm around their neck and help carry the burden and walk with you.

Don't think you're alone.

 Ever.

Because you aren't.

When the world is at its darkest point,

 and you can't see the end

  remember that dawn always approaches.

Where Did the Year Go?

     As my freshman year rapidly comes to a close I'm asking myself where did the time go? It wasn't too long ago that I was an anxious, nervous, 18 year old getting ready to move in the Lower East Side and ready to start a new chapter in my book of life. I thought I had a vague idea what direction my life was heading toward. Now, I've never been more unsure of anything.

     I currently reside in Brooklyn Heights after spending some time in South Jamaica Queens before hand. I now attend St. Francis College instead of King's. I'm also an English major. My life has taken quite a turn. Confusion on where I'm going in life is at an all time high. If you were to ask me what I learned in my first year of college I wouldn't really know how to answer that question. I've learned how to love another person more than I love myself. I've learned how to make a rapid amount of friends in a very short time frame. I've learned that racists and homophobes are still quite present. I've learned that it's pretty hard to stay in contact with people when you're over 600 miles away. I've learned that without friends it's incredible hard to pick yourself back up when you've fallen. I've learned that relationships mean more than the subjects I'm studying.

     It's all quite confusing, not knowing where your life is going. I didn't expect to get suspended from one college and transfer to another. I didn't expect to find a girl. I think trying to plan out your entire life in advance is useless. Things change. Constantly. At least for me. Maybe that's part of the beauty of life. Never knowing exactly how it will turn out. It keeps things fresh and interesting, albeit slightly frustrating. I'm excited to see what lies in store for me in another year for this reason.

Embrace Your Pain

     People try to hide their pain, their insecurities. They think that their mistakes make them weak. They're wrong. Pain is something you should embrace. Something you should grab on to. 

     There is this idea that to show tears or any signs of being less than perfect means you're a weakling, a coward not fit to live. That is absurd. There's heart ache and pain inside each and every one of us. The stubborn ones just refuse to admit they're as broken as the rest of us. We all have our crosses we are bearing, some larger than others. Regardless everyone has a struggle. Mine was/is alcoholism. I've caused myself incredible misery because of my actions under the influence. I've also hurt others because of it as well. Am I proud of it? No. Not at all. But that doesn't mean I shy away from remembering that time of my life. It doesn't mean I refuse to open up to people about that time in my life.  It drastically altered who I am, for the better.

     There's always a silver lining to every mistake. If it wasn't for my repeated screw ups I probably wouldn't believe in God. I probably wouldn't have left Ohio for New York, and then I would have missed out on so much more. There's a chain of events that spring into motion from every mistake. It's just hard to see through the tears, the depression, but when it all subsides the sun shines once more.

     Mistakes, misery, and pain are all learning experiences that enable us to grow more than we thought possible. That is why everyone should stand up for their right to feel pain, wear it like a radio blasting for all to hear and see. It's the disfigurements that make us beautiful and that is why I ask everyone to wear your scars with pride. Wear your scars like a badge of honor.

The Girl

You leave me tongue tied with my heart in a knot.
My hands are fumbling around and I can't get it undone.
Damn girl you're just too much fun.
I have a mess in my head but when I'm with I've never felt so at ease.
In a city full of distractions you're the absolute best one there could ever be.
When you grab my hand it sends a spark straight to my heart, electrifying me back to life.
When I'm with you I feel no strife.
Whether or not we're living a lie I've never felt so alive.
How long can I wait?
If you needed a lifetime that's fine because I want to spend mine with you.
So please never feel blue because I'll always be there to catch you, when you fall and feel small.
Constantly catching myself staring at your beauty. 
My mind runs blank and the thought of you fills it with colorful images of how life together could be.
One day I hope I can make you see the same story that I'm writing in my head.

Poetic Tragedy

Writing words that no one will ever read.
Expressing thoughts that no one cares to hears.
It's an endeavor that's a lonely road.
The greatest stories are those told of redemption.
My story has no redeemer.
It's filled with tragedy and hopelessness.
Of lovers lost and friendships destroyed.
It's a path that leads to nothing but heartache, but I can't seem to turn back now.
Chasing dreams but they all seem so intangible it just isn't manageable.
Left to my own desires I'll fall to ruin.
It's where I'm headed but I can only hope that some lost soul learns from my mistakes.
Maybe if I take a new turn it could even be me.