Rabbit Hole

Thrust into the unknown.
Who knows what I'll become.
Tumbling down the rabbit hole,
Mud clings to my clothes and I'm afraid I can't see,
Can't see exactly what I'm supposed to be.

Dead or alive?
It's all so surreal.
I can't tell fact from fiction.
Sifting through delusions to uncover the truth, but the truth cannot be found
So I'm left to wonder did it ever really exist?
Was it ever something tangible, or was it merely a fairytale?
The answer may never be found but that doesn't mean the question shouldn't be raised.

And so I ask this, will I be a better man when all is said and done, or will I continue to stumble down the hole never gaining a foothold?

Disappointed

     Disappointed. That word holds more weight to me than any other word I know. Disappointed in my felony four vandalism charge. Disappointed in my DUI charge. Disappointed in my three or four underage alcohol consumption charges. (I'm honestly not sure how many it is. Sad I know) I'm disappointed in my actions this previous weekend.

     It feels like I'm constantly switching between being content with who I am, and feeling completely worthless. It's a complete transformation. It's really a constant struggle; a rather annoying one at that. However, what's more annoying is the perception people get from disappointment. They think that one mistake, or a series of mistakes defines your character and entire person. Not true at all. I have a drinking problem. That's obvious to see. What I don't have is a problem with being violent, racist, homophobic, close-minded, or any other thing along the same lines. I have some incredibly close relationships with some absolutely incredible people. Anybody I know isn't surprised when I trip and fall into the shit again. They know I do it quite frequently, but they also know I crawl back up and painstakingly wash myself off and take off at a sprint. They know it's not going to alter my character, if anything it only strengthens it as a whole. It enables me to deal with more adversity. If I went through my life without failing and disappointment then I would lose my passion, my drive to prove everyone wrong. If I constantly succeed or God forbid, exceed what people expect from me then I get bored. Also, people should know by now I can be erratic at times. I also love to party. It's not a crime but I take it to excess sometimes. I'm not lying to you when I say I've become a hundred times better in the past 6 months, but that doesn't mean all my old problems are magically cured.

     I want just want to say thanks to all my doubters. The people who I just love to disappointment over and over. To everyone who still expects me to end up in the ground early. To everyone who thinks I'm a failure. You guys are the only people who can get me motivated to stop being such a lazy ass. I truly thank you. I feed off of your disappointment. I abso-fucking-lutely love it. Everyday that I'm thankful enough to be alive I look in the mirror, and I see this person staring back at me. I am disappointed in that person, but not for the reasons listed above. I'm disappointed in myself because it's going to take me a little longer until I can make all my doubters eat their words. Sorry guys just give me a little more time.

Carry On

How do you find hope in a hopeless world?

How do you find joy when there is no joy to be found?

Where is the happiness hiding when you're in despair?

How do you escape when you're trapped in a dungeon of darkness that engulfs you?

The answer isn't easy to find, but it is there, lying under the tears.

 Take a breath,

  Relax,

   Close your eyes

    And search your heart.

You will find redemption.

You will find salvation.

It may be over a hill, or it may be over the tallest mountain peak.

But realize that everything, eventually comes to an end.

While you're in distress try to understand that life is beautiful.

You may not believe it to be true, but take a look around you and who or what do you see?

 Your friends.

  Your family.

The sun,

 The moon,

  The stars.

When you climb your obstacle and feel that all is lost, and you simply cannot go on,

Don't give up.

That's the moment your friends and family will throw your arm around their neck and help carry the burden and walk with you.

Don't think you're alone.

 Ever.

Because you aren't.

When the world is at its darkest point,

 and you can't see the end

  remember that dawn always approaches.

Where Did the Year Go?

     As my freshman year rapidly comes to a close I'm asking myself where did the time go? It wasn't too long ago that I was an anxious, nervous, 18 year old getting ready to move in the Lower East Side and ready to start a new chapter in my book of life. I thought I had a vague idea what direction my life was heading toward. Now, I've never been more unsure of anything.

     I currently reside in Brooklyn Heights after spending some time in South Jamaica Queens before hand. I now attend St. Francis College instead of King's. I'm also an English major. My life has taken quite a turn. Confusion on where I'm going in life is at an all time high. If you were to ask me what I learned in my first year of college I wouldn't really know how to answer that question. I've learned how to love another person more than I love myself. I've learned how to make a rapid amount of friends in a very short time frame. I've learned that racists and homophobes are still quite present. I've learned that it's pretty hard to stay in contact with people when you're over 600 miles away. I've learned that without friends it's incredible hard to pick yourself back up when you've fallen. I've learned that relationships mean more than the subjects I'm studying.

     It's all quite confusing, not knowing where your life is going. I didn't expect to get suspended from one college and transfer to another. I didn't expect to find a girl. I think trying to plan out your entire life in advance is useless. Things change. Constantly. At least for me. Maybe that's part of the beauty of life. Never knowing exactly how it will turn out. It keeps things fresh and interesting, albeit slightly frustrating. I'm excited to see what lies in store for me in another year for this reason.