Everyone has had doubt at some point in their life. Doubt that your work is good enough. Doubt that you can land a girl's number. Doubt that you deserve that girl. It surrounds people daily, yet for some they seem to be brimming with confidence and face no doubt whatsoever. I don't know how the fuck they do it. I've struggled with doubt in many aspects of my life. Doubt that I should have such amazing friends. Doubt that I can make it in my career. Doubt that I can make it in NYC. Doubt that I'd be able to get into college. Doubt that I'd even make it through High School alive. I've faced some serious lows in my life where I bathed in doubt, depression, and despair. They almost all coincide with each other it seems, playing the twisted game of trying to destroy a man. I mean, shit for a long while I didn't think I'd be able to get into any college. At that point being dead seemed like a better option because at least then I wouldn't be consuming resources but damn.
Through the last three years I've grown more as a person than I ever deemed imaginable. I owe it all to my interesting life. I was reckless. I was ruthless. I was an idiot. I partied harder than most of the people around me, and yet still found it a good idea to drive home multiple times. The fact that I never killed myself, or worse yet someone else, is a miracle in itself. I was charged with a DUI once , again a miracle happened(I'm starting to think God kind of likes me), got dropped out of court for lack of evidence. This was my first foray into the wonderful world of doubting everything about my self-worth. I mean, one why the hell did I get so lucky? I constantly thought about whether it was just some dumb fluke or that God wanted me to pursue a higher purpose, and that's assuming that my image of God even exists, which I again have my doubts about.
But enough of the doubt and depressing bullshit. No one wants to hear about how the protagonist is defeated or stopped by his demons. That makes for an absolutely shitty story and I'm not trying to outdo Twilight. Anyway, I've had some incredible luck in my life. I've also had some incredible friends and family to drag my ass around, to push me to succeed. I doubt myself all the time, but what 20 year old college kid doesn't? I mean, what normal person doesn't doubt themselves at times? Hardly anyone knows what they want out of life, even if they're older. Most people merely settle for whatever is around them and that is not what I'm about. I moved to New York for a reason. It hasn't been easy by a longshot, but I have two things that keep me going.
If I succeed and hit my mark, then all my haters can go disappear because I made it. If I fail, at least I had the balls to try something different, put it all on the line for something that mattered. I bought the ticket and choose to take the ride. Why didn't you?
Through the last three years I've grown more as a person than I ever deemed imaginable. I owe it all to my interesting life. I was reckless. I was ruthless. I was an idiot. I partied harder than most of the people around me, and yet still found it a good idea to drive home multiple times. The fact that I never killed myself, or worse yet someone else, is a miracle in itself. I was charged with a DUI once , again a miracle happened(I'm starting to think God kind of likes me), got dropped out of court for lack of evidence. This was my first foray into the wonderful world of doubting everything about my self-worth. I mean, one why the hell did I get so lucky? I constantly thought about whether it was just some dumb fluke or that God wanted me to pursue a higher purpose, and that's assuming that my image of God even exists, which I again have my doubts about.
But enough of the doubt and depressing bullshit. No one wants to hear about how the protagonist is defeated or stopped by his demons. That makes for an absolutely shitty story and I'm not trying to outdo Twilight. Anyway, I've had some incredible luck in my life. I've also had some incredible friends and family to drag my ass around, to push me to succeed. I doubt myself all the time, but what 20 year old college kid doesn't? I mean, what normal person doesn't doubt themselves at times? Hardly anyone knows what they want out of life, even if they're older. Most people merely settle for whatever is around them and that is not what I'm about. I moved to New York for a reason. It hasn't been easy by a longshot, but I have two things that keep me going.
If I succeed and hit my mark, then all my haters can go disappear because I made it. If I fail, at least I had the balls to try something different, put it all on the line for something that mattered. I bought the ticket and choose to take the ride. Why didn't you?
Beautiful. I doubt so much dude. It's staying strong, pressing onward, and overcoming that doubt and fear that really begins to define us.
ReplyDeleteHey God doesn't just like you, he loves you and proved it by dying a horrible death on a cross. He died for the sins each of us have done so we can be spared from the wrath of God's judgment and punishment for those sins. You were made for relationship by God, first with Him, then with others. God has an amazing plan for you life (Jeremiah 29:11-13) the key to finding it is in seeking Him first and everything else you need will be added in (Matthew 6:33). Sounds like you've tried a lot of stuff that has left you empty, when what you're really needing for life to get on center is to really know God. Based on what you wrote He's already been trying to get your attention in subtle ways. He's the ultimate gentleman, never forcing His way, just letting you know He's there when you are willing to reach out and accept Him by faith. Praying for you to discover He's the core of what your heart desires plus so much more.
ReplyDeleteDon't waste your energy on the haters. One thing I've learned about most people from PC is that they don't have a fucking clue what it's like to live in the real world. I feel sorry for the homophobic, racist, holier-than-thou pricks who think their shit doesn't stink.
ReplyDeleteThe truth is they are so removed from the real world that they actually think they're living "the good life". The good life to them is watching the High School basketball team play and then spending the rest of the night at the local bar getting shit-faced.
Have you ever noticed that they are constantly trying to convince themselves that they are "so lucky" to live in such a great community? What's so great about PC? I guess there is the annual P Days that the PC people rave about. You know... the four days where anyone over 12 is allowed to drink until the puke. Good times!
I guess it isn't all bad as PC does provide a lot of culture like the... oh shit, never mind.
Don't give the haters another thought. PC is hell. It's the pimple on your ass that just won't go away. If I ever get to the point that 99% of the people in PC hate me, then I'll know that I'm doing something right.
In conclusion, if I ever decide that I'm tired of living the good life and want to go back to living a boring, drunken, depressed, obese, high school team t-shirt & levi's wearin, hate filled life with thousands of other white people just like me, then I'll definitely move back to PC.
Edit: I almost forgot about their religion. Don't let them shove that shit in your face. They pray by day and sin by night. They are the biggest bunch of hypocrites on earth.
You're a great person and have a lot going for you -- if the haters can't handle it... fuck em.