Answer the Door

Gazing at your pretty eyes I can tell you hide tremendous sadness behind them. 
Too scared to open the door inside you keep it locked from the other side. 
Girl, I know you don't want a savior, but you could use a little saving. 
Please don't turn to the shadows for cover. 
We're all a little broken. 
I'm captivated by your lovely smile, but I see past the thinly veiled veneer. 
I promise you this the key to freedom is in letting in a little more love. 
A little's enough. 
You may be a little broken, but so am I, and maybe with a bit of trust our cracks will align, falling into wondrous harmony. 
What will it be? 
Will you open up for me? 
Remember, if you never unlock the door you might just miss fate's knock.

Disease

I have this sickness in my soul. 
It grows a little stronger every day. 
The thoughts grow a little darker, my actions bleaker. 
It's a battle I've been fighting all my life, and it never gets any easier, never any better. 
I've been looking for a savior in all the wrong places. 
Desperately seeking a miraculous cure. 
Distractions are many, but they only conceal the pain, never taking it away completely. 
Nothing but a mere veneer. 
Confidence is waning. 
Hope is fading. 
Everything seems surreal. 
A mind is a terrible thing to waste but when you're trapped inside it seems like a good thing to lose. 
And the hard part is the only one who can save me is myself, and I have to ask: am I worth saving?

Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom

     I want to ask you all a question: where has the honesty, the truth-telling in society gone? I'm sure any of you who turned on the news in the last ten years have noticed that 75% of it is all shit. Complete and utter shit. In fact it's actually worse than that. At least shit can be used for fertilizer. Carl Bernstein, one of the main journalists to report on The Watergate Scandal, said it best with: “The lowest form of popular culture -- lack of information, misinformation, and a contempt for the truth or the reality of most people's lives -- has overrun real journalism. Today, ordinary Americans are being stuffed with garbage.” Maybe that's a contributing reason why America is one of the most obese countries in the world...

     No one likes to tell the truth anymore. Everyone puts up a facade. A veneer to cover up their insecurities, their fears, their worries. Some people tend to think that lying makes them more interesting or a better person. These people are so clueless and lost. The truth, reality, is far more intriguing than a long string of lies. The truth is real (obviously). It helps defines who a person actually is. It gives them depth, character, explains their flaws and their positive traits. To lie about yourself is really quite sad. It means you're not proud of yourself; you're not happy with yourself. To lie is to completely deny the very flesh and blood of who you are. And that my friends is a lot of bullshit, to deny who you are as a human being, as a tiny piece of God (sorry my atheists friends).

     I'm certainly not the best example of being an excellent, upstanding, or even a good student, brother, son, boyfriend, or friend but I refuse to lie about who I am, my past, or my stories. Most of you know about my troubled past and recurring problems (legal issues, drug and alcohol issues, mental issues, don't be afraid to ask more if you want), and I never shy away from going into detail. Why should I feel guilt or regret for who I am? I've owned up to my mistakes (and have repeated those same mistakes over and over) and I've learned a wealth of knowledge from them. I've literally told complete strangers some deeply personal stories because conversations, relationships should be an intimate thing. Social media and rampant cell phone use have degraded the art of having a real person-to-person conversation. While living in New York City, and having some absolutely amazing friends I am always meeting some of their friends from back home (or even just random people at parties), and I choose to tell them these personal things because it lets them into my world a little bit, lets them see how I ended up as me, and they feel more comfortable opening up themselves. When that person leaves and goes on with their life I probably won't ever see them again, but I'll know that the time we had together was real, it was a real moment. It was an honest moment. It was something that can't be fabricated. That is something that is truly special.

Lying is easy, if you have a good memory. It's also easy to get caught in a lie. Don't hide behind a wall of lies. Don't be such a fucking coward. One of my favorite, if not the most, quotes is by the legendary front man of The Doors, Jim Morrison. “People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all...Feelings are disturbing...Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”
Author Tad Williams says something similar as well, "We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us.  But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger"
Will Smith even has a few sentences to say on the subject: “You can't be scared to die for the truth. The truth is the only thing that is ever going to be constant.”

     If you lie your ass off and create these ridiculous stories you will never have a true, close relationship. I don't see how you could possibly feel fulfilled if you're a compulsive liar. People may tolerate you, but I don't see how they could possibly respect you. Speaking from personal experience I have a few friends who lie about the dumbest stuff and while I love them to death I am always questioning every little thing that they say. On the other side of the field I have a friend who is always completely honest, doesn't lie about the smallest things, and I have so much respect for him. I'll end with a quote by myself, Benjamin James Bockrath, mental case, decent student, occasional writer/poet, compulsive cleaner, history nerd, zoloft-taking, and sometimes a pretty cool guy: When you begin to be honest with yourself you will find that your life, however chaotic it is, will fall into place a little easier, a little smoother, and a little more enjoyable.

Innocent Girl

You played the role of an innocent girl and I fell into your sick web of love. 
You make breaking hearts look so easy.
Do you collect the blood you spill? Gather the tears that fall because of you? 
It's hard to carry on when I have to stumble past the path of corpses you left in your wake. 
I can only hope I don't become one of those poor souls. 


Can you still feel it? 
My heartbeat going at a steady pace. 
You sped it up, now you're trying to stop it altogether. 
I won't let it happen. 
I can't let it happen. 
I refuse to believe that my girl isn't out there somewhere,
past the sea of lies and mountains of despair. 
I'll strive to survive so I can gaze upon her unknown face. 


Maybe if I turn back now I can save my tear stained face. 
I wanted to be your last first kiss. 
Now its all memories miss. 
I hope to see you again in hell. 
I'm a couple steps ahead of you since you already threw me down here. 
Don't fret, I'll claw my way up so we can be on even footing.

College Life (Isn't what you expect)

We all have heard people say that college isn't right for everybody, except my generation really hasn't. Most of my life I've heard teachers, parents, and peers all say that college is the way to go. The way to get a good job that pays well. The way to success. Basically the way to happiness itself. I think it was the late, great Steve Jobs himself who essentially said that today society is way too focused on college and not enough on creativity. Everybody knows someone who didn't go to college and is doing quite well off today, or everybody can at least point to Bill Gates or Jobs who both dropped out of college. 

As my finals are approaching I opened up my notes and books an organized them, and then I started looking at this zombie story I'm starting to write and got distracted. For anyone who doesn't know me too well I'm pretty much the biggest zombie freak ever. I hope to kick it with Romero before he croaks. (Look him up you sad fools who don't know who he is.) See, I can think of a 100 reasons to continue to write my story and dream about it, and only about five for while I should study for my final. I never cared for my grades in high school. I'm a big fan of learning on your own, which I do a lot of. For example I'll dispel a few commons myths right now. Shaving does NOT make your hair grow back thicker and darker. Sugar does NOT make you hyper. Christopher Columbus never "discovered" America, and people back then NEVER believed the Earth was flat. A girl on her period does not release hormones that make her act like a "bitch". That's merely a product of our culture and society.(Ask me for my sources if you really honestly care and I'll be happy to send them to you.) There is so much disinformation out there it's ridiculous. There is so much crap that people spout off as historical when it's in reality a very skewed version of it. My high school history teacher who I very, very highly admire has even quoted a few "facts" wrong.

It all makes it really hard for me to find the motivation to do well in school. If I really cared about half of the stuff I was required to know I would do research about it on my own. My junior year in  high school I had to take a geometry class. It was the most boring class I've ever had the misfortune to be a part of. It wasn't the teacher's fault, entirely anyway. By the end of the year we had an unspoken agreement that I would just sit there and not disrupt her class if she just left me alone free to write worthless poems in the margins of my notes. 

I'm rambling at this point. I blame my idol Hunter S. Thompson for that trait. Anyway what I'm saying is that college can be a bullshit, overrated institution. I thought I would actually have to bust ass to pass. It turns out it really is just as easy as high school and what have  I learned from it? Not a whole lot. I feel like that it's similar to that quote from Good Will Hunting, "...you dropped a hundred and fifty grand on a fuckin’ education you coulda' got for a dollar fifty in late charges at the Public Library." It's so true. College is a sham. The public library and internet has everything your professors try to teach you. If you want the knowledge it's out there. Just go grab it. Yet society thinks if you don't have some shitty piece of paper that says you graduated from some shit college then you won't get ahead. Get a job. Blah, blah, blah. I've been told I'm lazy and unmotivated when it comes to classes...and it's true. I just don't care, and honestly I'm tired of trying to do it the traditional way. The commonly accepted way. Fuck that. I'll make it on my own terms.

Rabbit Hole

Thrust into the unknown.
Who knows what I'll become.
Tumbling down the rabbit hole,
Mud clings to my clothes and I'm afraid I can't see,
Can't see exactly what I'm supposed to be.

Dead or alive?
It's all so surreal.
I can't tell fact from fiction.
Sifting through delusions to uncover the truth, but the truth cannot be found
So I'm left to wonder did it ever really exist?
Was it ever something tangible, or was it merely a fairytale?
The answer may never be found but that doesn't mean the question shouldn't be raised.

And so I ask this, will I be a better man when all is said and done, or will I continue to stumble down the hole never gaining a foothold?

Disappointed

     Disappointed. That word holds more weight to me than any other word I know. Disappointed in my felony four vandalism charge. Disappointed in my DUI charge. Disappointed in my three or four underage alcohol consumption charges. (I'm honestly not sure how many it is. Sad I know) I'm disappointed in my actions this previous weekend.

     It feels like I'm constantly switching between being content with who I am, and feeling completely worthless. It's a complete transformation. It's really a constant struggle; a rather annoying one at that. However, what's more annoying is the perception people get from disappointment. They think that one mistake, or a series of mistakes defines your character and entire person. Not true at all. I have a drinking problem. That's obvious to see. What I don't have is a problem with being violent, racist, homophobic, close-minded, or any other thing along the same lines. I have some incredibly close relationships with some absolutely incredible people. Anybody I know isn't surprised when I trip and fall into the shit again. They know I do it quite frequently, but they also know I crawl back up and painstakingly wash myself off and take off at a sprint. They know it's not going to alter my character, if anything it only strengthens it as a whole. It enables me to deal with more adversity. If I went through my life without failing and disappointment then I would lose my passion, my drive to prove everyone wrong. If I constantly succeed or God forbid, exceed what people expect from me then I get bored. Also, people should know by now I can be erratic at times. I also love to party. It's not a crime but I take it to excess sometimes. I'm not lying to you when I say I've become a hundred times better in the past 6 months, but that doesn't mean all my old problems are magically cured.

     I want just want to say thanks to all my doubters. The people who I just love to disappointment over and over. To everyone who still expects me to end up in the ground early. To everyone who thinks I'm a failure. You guys are the only people who can get me motivated to stop being such a lazy ass. I truly thank you. I feed off of your disappointment. I abso-fucking-lutely love it. Everyday that I'm thankful enough to be alive I look in the mirror, and I see this person staring back at me. I am disappointed in that person, but not for the reasons listed above. I'm disappointed in myself because it's going to take me a little longer until I can make all my doubters eat their words. Sorry guys just give me a little more time.

Carry On

How do you find hope in a hopeless world?

How do you find joy when there is no joy to be found?

Where is the happiness hiding when you're in despair?

How do you escape when you're trapped in a dungeon of darkness that engulfs you?

The answer isn't easy to find, but it is there, lying under the tears.

 Take a breath,

  Relax,

   Close your eyes

    And search your heart.

You will find redemption.

You will find salvation.

It may be over a hill, or it may be over the tallest mountain peak.

But realize that everything, eventually comes to an end.

While you're in distress try to understand that life is beautiful.

You may not believe it to be true, but take a look around you and who or what do you see?

 Your friends.

  Your family.

The sun,

 The moon,

  The stars.

When you climb your obstacle and feel that all is lost, and you simply cannot go on,

Don't give up.

That's the moment your friends and family will throw your arm around their neck and help carry the burden and walk with you.

Don't think you're alone.

 Ever.

Because you aren't.

When the world is at its darkest point,

 and you can't see the end

  remember that dawn always approaches.

Where Did the Year Go?

     As my freshman year rapidly comes to a close I'm asking myself where did the time go? It wasn't too long ago that I was an anxious, nervous, 18 year old getting ready to move in the Lower East Side and ready to start a new chapter in my book of life. I thought I had a vague idea what direction my life was heading toward. Now, I've never been more unsure of anything.

     I currently reside in Brooklyn Heights after spending some time in South Jamaica Queens before hand. I now attend St. Francis College instead of King's. I'm also an English major. My life has taken quite a turn. Confusion on where I'm going in life is at an all time high. If you were to ask me what I learned in my first year of college I wouldn't really know how to answer that question. I've learned how to love another person more than I love myself. I've learned how to make a rapid amount of friends in a very short time frame. I've learned that racists and homophobes are still quite present. I've learned that it's pretty hard to stay in contact with people when you're over 600 miles away. I've learned that without friends it's incredible hard to pick yourself back up when you've fallen. I've learned that relationships mean more than the subjects I'm studying.

     It's all quite confusing, not knowing where your life is going. I didn't expect to get suspended from one college and transfer to another. I didn't expect to find a girl. I think trying to plan out your entire life in advance is useless. Things change. Constantly. At least for me. Maybe that's part of the beauty of life. Never knowing exactly how it will turn out. It keeps things fresh and interesting, albeit slightly frustrating. I'm excited to see what lies in store for me in another year for this reason.

Embrace Your Pain

     People try to hide their pain, their insecurities. They think that their mistakes make them weak. They're wrong. Pain is something you should embrace. Something you should grab on to. 

     There is this idea that to show tears or any signs of being less than perfect means you're a weakling, a coward not fit to live. That is absurd. There's heart ache and pain inside each and every one of us. The stubborn ones just refuse to admit they're as broken as the rest of us. We all have our crosses we are bearing, some larger than others. Regardless everyone has a struggle. Mine was/is alcoholism. I've caused myself incredible misery because of my actions under the influence. I've also hurt others because of it as well. Am I proud of it? No. Not at all. But that doesn't mean I shy away from remembering that time of my life. It doesn't mean I refuse to open up to people about that time in my life.  It drastically altered who I am, for the better.

     There's always a silver lining to every mistake. If it wasn't for my repeated screw ups I probably wouldn't believe in God. I probably wouldn't have left Ohio for New York, and then I would have missed out on so much more. There's a chain of events that spring into motion from every mistake. It's just hard to see through the tears, the depression, but when it all subsides the sun shines once more.

     Mistakes, misery, and pain are all learning experiences that enable us to grow more than we thought possible. That is why everyone should stand up for their right to feel pain, wear it like a radio blasting for all to hear and see. It's the disfigurements that make us beautiful and that is why I ask everyone to wear your scars with pride. Wear your scars like a badge of honor.

The Girl

You leave me tongue tied with my heart in a knot.
My hands are fumbling around and I can't get it undone.
Damn girl you're just too much fun.
I have a mess in my head but when I'm with I've never felt so at ease.
In a city full of distractions you're the absolute best one there could ever be.
When you grab my hand it sends a spark straight to my heart, electrifying me back to life.
When I'm with you I feel no strife.
Whether or not we're living a lie I've never felt so alive.
How long can I wait?
If you needed a lifetime that's fine because I want to spend mine with you.
So please never feel blue because I'll always be there to catch you, when you fall and feel small.
Constantly catching myself staring at your beauty. 
My mind runs blank and the thought of you fills it with colorful images of how life together could be.
One day I hope I can make you see the same story that I'm writing in my head.

Poetic Tragedy

Writing words that no one will ever read.
Expressing thoughts that no one cares to hears.
It's an endeavor that's a lonely road.
The greatest stories are those told of redemption.
My story has no redeemer.
It's filled with tragedy and hopelessness.
Of lovers lost and friendships destroyed.
It's a path that leads to nothing but heartache, but I can't seem to turn back now.
Chasing dreams but they all seem so intangible it just isn't manageable.
Left to my own desires I'll fall to ruin.
It's where I'm headed but I can only hope that some lost soul learns from my mistakes.
Maybe if I take a new turn it could even be me. 

Fire

They said I'm wasting my life. 

That my dream is unattainable. 

Well you can take this however you want it. 

I'll be the greatest damn thing you've ever seen. 

I've failed more times than I can remember, and I'll continue to do so.

I'll leave a path of battered and broken feelings along the way. 

Torn relationships will be strewn about. 

On the path to greatness I can't let any of it stop me. 

Like an atomic bomb I'll destroy all obstacles that tries to hold me back.  

You will never know how hungry I am. 

How thirsty I am to prove you all so wrong. 

There's a fire inside me, a fire that one day will set ablaze this world. 

If you stand too close you're bound to be burned. 

You think my dream is unreachable? 

That's okay because my reality is brighter than your dreams are. 

How Do You Say Goodbye?

     I cried four separate times tonight. Not because of any physical pain, or because I have two speeches to give in less than 8 hours. No I cried because the person I love the most is leaving in less than 6 weeks.

     When I left Ohio I had many goodbyes to say to friends and family but I wasn't sad. I knew I'd be seeing them eventually. This is a different story. I've went through some tough experiences with the law and high school but it doesn't compare to this feeling. At all. Not even close. Every day that goes by between us is another day filled with memories. It's also one more day to the final countdown. I never expected this. I never expected to find an angel in a city overflowing with sinners. I never expected to fall in love at such a young age. How do you say goodbye when you never want things to end? I feel like I found what every one searches for only to have it torn away for no reason. I can't find the sense in it. It's the hardships one has to deal with in life that let's them know how great it is to really live life, but this trial seems unnecessary. I can only pray that there's some higher reason for it. I can only pray that I become a stronger person for it. Even though the end is near I would still ask her out again on the rooftop if I went back in time. I can only hope in the future another miracle or angel will find me, either way a glimpse of heaven is still heaven even if you get tossed into hell for awhile afterwards.

Take A Look In the Mirror

      Why is that everyone is so concerned about how others view them? Why do people feel the constant need to impress? People gossip and tear others down to build up their own self worth, but why? It's like life is a giant chess board and everyone wants to be the queen and king and dispose of the pawns. I find it hard to understand why people judge their importance based on others perceptions. Isn't how you feel about yourself the most important thing? If you're happy, if you're content with how you feel and your morals then why seek appraisal from people who really don't matter? When your time on earth is over you won't have to answer to them. You'll have to answer to yourself and God, if you believe in Him.

     I know girls that are attractive, smart, and funny, the three characteristics that guys look for the most, become shallow and vapid to grab attention and affection. It's so trivial in the long run. So that person likes a fake version of you now. Congrats. Does that make you feel better about yourself? When you recognize your own self worth only then can you strive to change the negative aspects about yourself. People may view pawns as worthless and subject to throw around carelessly, but at least a pawn knows its place and what it can do. It doesn't try to go over the top and do too much. It's content. Truth, no matter how minor, always out shines a grandiose lie. 

Farewell

Flying 
         down 
                  to the ground like a shooting star. 
All burnt out. 
A song bird that lost its voice.
Am I still the same? 

This bullet entered my head late last night and it just won't leave. 
Slowly traveling to my heart, tearing it to shreds. 
It started as the sweetest kiss and now it has come down to this.
She's smiling in the car with the gun. 

It's not all hopes and dreams anymore. 
It became a reality, but is a dream that comes true worth it when it all gradually fades away? 
Late nights just don't help because when I drink I get so damn depressed. 
Always on the run to keep emotions at bay, but when the tide rolls in it all gets swept away. 
The tears flow freely, slowly eroding away at my body. 

I've never experienced an encounter with an angel. 
Who knew departing could be this painful? 
Can't ask her to stay but the weathers getting colder and the sun is on her mind. 
Can't ask her to stay but I'll think about her all the time. 
To not remember will hide away the pain, but to not remember will hide away my feelings. 
In a different reality maybe I wouldn't have to say goodbye to the thing I cherish the most. 
In a different reality maybe it all worked out perfectly.

Get It Started

Look at what I've done from where I've come.
I got this one chance, one shot you better believe I'm not gonna stop until I'm on top.
They say fake it until you make it.
If that's the case then you better start running because I'm ready to start sprinting.
                             
I'm about to raise the bar, tell me can you do a pull up?
If you think it's hot now watch out because the inferno is only beginning.

F*** all this traditionalism.
There's nothing traditional about a kid from a working poor family grabbing a city's attention.
And when I succeed they'll all say how wonderful it is, and they were with me from the start.
Bull****.
They hate to see someone break out of his class.
If only they had more class.
Better put on that kevlar, I'm gunning for you.
Showtime.

Let's Go For a Dance

Take my hand.
Teach me to dance.
Don't let me fall down.
Will you let me lead?
I won't step on your feet.
The spotlights shining and its all about us.

One day I felt a little brave.
I'm not one to go out on a line but you seemed to be worth the trouble.

Do you hear this love?
Can you see this love?
I can hear it in the way you say my name.
I can see it in the way your eyes light up when they look into mine.
I still get those stupid butterflies when we're alone.
Whenever I'm not by your side I get homesick.
Home is where your heart is and I left mine to you.

What If?

     What if I grew up in a big city? What if I didn't have the parents I do? What if I didn't grow up in a small, conservative, rural town?

     These are all questions I ask myself. No one gets to choose who their parents are, or where they're born. There isn't a system that let's one pick and choose. It's all left to chance. I wouldn't have been the same person if I didn't grow up in Ohio. I don't think I would have had the same passion to do the things I do now. I made the leap to move all the way to New York City for college. I could have stayed in Ohio and went to the acclaimed Ohio State University, but I didn't. I went against every single one of classmates' decisions to stay in the state. I wanted new experiences. New friends. New opportunities. A whole new life.
Was any of this easy? Surprisingly yes. I felt stifled and smothered in my town. Like I was stuck in a time bubble of decades past. Racists and homophobes are quite present. Fake religious values are even more present. It's really funny in a "wow these sort of people still exist" kind of way. High school sporting events are the major topics of conversation, besides rampant gossip that is. Even though all surrounding towns have almost the same about residents and all look essentially the same, people love to say how their town is the best. The best at what? Being ignorant? Being stuck in toxic, traditional viewpoints?

     Now I'm proud of where I come from. It was a nice community, a nice school system, a nice place to grow up. However, most of the people never seem to leave, never experience how life really is. I don't like how people claim their small town is the best place ever when most of them have never traveled outside of the United States. Yet, I knew nothing else for so long but when I got my first taste of NYC I knew there was no turning back, ever. The question I always ask myself is, "what if I didn't grow up in that small town?". Well, I wouldn't be in NYC and my life course would be on an entirely different path right now so for that I am grateful and proud of where I was raised.