"Those words...I cannot let them pass my lips. I will not. I don't believe in what you're proposing. I can't do this anymore. This is where I leave.....I'm sorry Jax. Enjoy your summer." - Sophia
My name is Jax. I am currently 20 years old, white, 5'11, and of very average build. I am a self-medicater, depressed, and quite guilt-ridden. I am currently being processed for release from Pathways Rehabilitation Center. My doctor said that I am perfectly healthy now--a model kid. If he honestly believes that bullshit that is spewing from his lips, and I'm a model kid, our world is doomed.
He also told me that a 50 mg script of Zoloft would help keep me "balanced". If you think it sounds like crap, I agree.I mean, I'm not too sure what he means by that, but the image that comes to my mind is a teeter-totter. Except it's impossible for it to ever stay balanced because someone always weighs more.
Now, I'm sure all of you are wondering why I was in a mental health facility, and I'm sure you all have your own guesses. Well, I'd rather not go into all the bloody details, but I'm trying this whole honesty thing now so whatever. I tried to off myself a few weeks back. Don't get too alarmed. They were feeble, half-hearted attempts. For one I just laid under the exhaust pipe of my car for about 20 minutes...but I was outside so you can see why that didn't work. The other one I tried to choke myself with an extension cord tied tightly around my neck. That was even more pathetic. I mean, Carradine did it on accident and I couldn't even do it on purpose. Truly pathetic. It's really sad to fail at everything in life, even trying to extinguish it.
Umm, so I'm not really sure where to continue. Where should I begin? Every story has to start somewhere right? But I don't want to leave out any important details. See, my therapist told me to write out my reasons for trying to commit suicide, but it's not so simple as making a list.
-lack of motivation
-legal troubles
-family issues
-feeling like a complete disappointment
-feeling like a complete failure
-lack of real friends
-lack of a girlfriend
-depressed
-substance abuser
While that list is a brief overview, it doesn't exactly tell you who I am, or why I felt the way I did. That's why I'm writing down all I can remember with the hope that I can learn something about myself, about my past behavior, with the idea that maybe, if I'm lucky, I'll know where I'm headed in the future.
Well Dr. Kesey, I think I know where my story beings, but I'm still a little unsure of the ending. Hunter S. Thompson said to just "buy the ticket, take the ride" and that "if it occasionally gets a little heavier than what you had in mind, well...maybe chalk it off to forced conscious expansion". Here's hoping he wasn't a complete lunatic because I can't afford to buy another ticket, especially after I tried to punch out my first one.
-Jax
My name is Jax. I am currently 20 years old, white, 5'11, and of very average build. I am a self-medicater, depressed, and quite guilt-ridden. I am currently being processed for release from Pathways Rehabilitation Center. My doctor said that I am perfectly healthy now--a model kid. If he honestly believes that bullshit that is spewing from his lips, and I'm a model kid, our world is doomed.
He also told me that a 50 mg script of Zoloft would help keep me "balanced". If you think it sounds like crap, I agree.I mean, I'm not too sure what he means by that, but the image that comes to my mind is a teeter-totter. Except it's impossible for it to ever stay balanced because someone always weighs more.
Now, I'm sure all of you are wondering why I was in a mental health facility, and I'm sure you all have your own guesses. Well, I'd rather not go into all the bloody details, but I'm trying this whole honesty thing now so whatever. I tried to off myself a few weeks back. Don't get too alarmed. They were feeble, half-hearted attempts. For one I just laid under the exhaust pipe of my car for about 20 minutes...but I was outside so you can see why that didn't work. The other one I tried to choke myself with an extension cord tied tightly around my neck. That was even more pathetic. I mean, Carradine did it on accident and I couldn't even do it on purpose. Truly pathetic. It's really sad to fail at everything in life, even trying to extinguish it.
Umm, so I'm not really sure where to continue. Where should I begin? Every story has to start somewhere right? But I don't want to leave out any important details. See, my therapist told me to write out my reasons for trying to commit suicide, but it's not so simple as making a list.
-lack of motivation
-legal troubles
-family issues
-feeling like a complete disappointment
-feeling like a complete failure
-lack of real friends
-lack of a girlfriend
-depressed
-substance abuser
While that list is a brief overview, it doesn't exactly tell you who I am, or why I felt the way I did. That's why I'm writing down all I can remember with the hope that I can learn something about myself, about my past behavior, with the idea that maybe, if I'm lucky, I'll know where I'm headed in the future.
Well Dr. Kesey, I think I know where my story beings, but I'm still a little unsure of the ending. Hunter S. Thompson said to just "buy the ticket, take the ride" and that "if it occasionally gets a little heavier than what you had in mind, well...maybe chalk it off to forced conscious expansion". Here's hoping he wasn't a complete lunatic because I can't afford to buy another ticket, especially after I tried to punch out my first one.
-Jax
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