Embrace Your Pain

     People try to hide their pain, their insecurities. They think that their mistakes make them weak. They're wrong. Pain is something you should embrace. Something you should grab on to. 

     There is this idea that to show tears or any signs of being less than perfect means you're a weakling, a coward not fit to live. That is absurd. There's heart ache and pain inside each and every one of us. The stubborn ones just refuse to admit they're as broken as the rest of us. We all have our crosses we are bearing, some larger than others. Regardless everyone has a struggle. Mine was/is alcoholism. I've caused myself incredible misery because of my actions under the influence. I've also hurt others because of it as well. Am I proud of it? No. Not at all. But that doesn't mean I shy away from remembering that time of my life. It doesn't mean I refuse to open up to people about that time in my life.  It drastically altered who I am, for the better.

     There's always a silver lining to every mistake. If it wasn't for my repeated screw ups I probably wouldn't believe in God. I probably wouldn't have left Ohio for New York, and then I would have missed out on so much more. There's a chain of events that spring into motion from every mistake. It's just hard to see through the tears, the depression, but when it all subsides the sun shines once more.

     Mistakes, misery, and pain are all learning experiences that enable us to grow more than we thought possible. That is why everyone should stand up for their right to feel pain, wear it like a radio blasting for all to hear and see. It's the disfigurements that make us beautiful and that is why I ask everyone to wear your scars with pride. Wear your scars like a badge of honor.

The Girl

You leave me tongue tied with my heart in a knot.
My hands are fumbling around and I can't get it undone.
Damn girl you're just too much fun.
I have a mess in my head but when I'm with I've never felt so at ease.
In a city full of distractions you're the absolute best one there could ever be.
When you grab my hand it sends a spark straight to my heart, electrifying me back to life.
When I'm with you I feel no strife.
Whether or not we're living a lie I've never felt so alive.
How long can I wait?
If you needed a lifetime that's fine because I want to spend mine with you.
So please never feel blue because I'll always be there to catch you, when you fall and feel small.
Constantly catching myself staring at your beauty. 
My mind runs blank and the thought of you fills it with colorful images of how life together could be.
One day I hope I can make you see the same story that I'm writing in my head.

Poetic Tragedy

Writing words that no one will ever read.
Expressing thoughts that no one cares to hears.
It's an endeavor that's a lonely road.
The greatest stories are those told of redemption.
My story has no redeemer.
It's filled with tragedy and hopelessness.
Of lovers lost and friendships destroyed.
It's a path that leads to nothing but heartache, but I can't seem to turn back now.
Chasing dreams but they all seem so intangible it just isn't manageable.
Left to my own desires I'll fall to ruin.
It's where I'm headed but I can only hope that some lost soul learns from my mistakes.
Maybe if I take a new turn it could even be me. 

Fire

They said I'm wasting my life. 

That my dream is unattainable. 

Well you can take this however you want it. 

I'll be the greatest damn thing you've ever seen. 

I've failed more times than I can remember, and I'll continue to do so.

I'll leave a path of battered and broken feelings along the way. 

Torn relationships will be strewn about. 

On the path to greatness I can't let any of it stop me. 

Like an atomic bomb I'll destroy all obstacles that tries to hold me back.  

You will never know how hungry I am. 

How thirsty I am to prove you all so wrong. 

There's a fire inside me, a fire that one day will set ablaze this world. 

If you stand too close you're bound to be burned. 

You think my dream is unreachable? 

That's okay because my reality is brighter than your dreams are. 

How Do You Say Goodbye?

     I cried four separate times tonight. Not because of any physical pain, or because I have two speeches to give in less than 8 hours. No I cried because the person I love the most is leaving in less than 6 weeks.

     When I left Ohio I had many goodbyes to say to friends and family but I wasn't sad. I knew I'd be seeing them eventually. This is a different story. I've went through some tough experiences with the law and high school but it doesn't compare to this feeling. At all. Not even close. Every day that goes by between us is another day filled with memories. It's also one more day to the final countdown. I never expected this. I never expected to find an angel in a city overflowing with sinners. I never expected to fall in love at such a young age. How do you say goodbye when you never want things to end? I feel like I found what every one searches for only to have it torn away for no reason. I can't find the sense in it. It's the hardships one has to deal with in life that let's them know how great it is to really live life, but this trial seems unnecessary. I can only pray that there's some higher reason for it. I can only pray that I become a stronger person for it. Even though the end is near I would still ask her out again on the rooftop if I went back in time. I can only hope in the future another miracle or angel will find me, either way a glimpse of heaven is still heaven even if you get tossed into hell for awhile afterwards.

Take A Look In the Mirror

      Why is that everyone is so concerned about how others view them? Why do people feel the constant need to impress? People gossip and tear others down to build up their own self worth, but why? It's like life is a giant chess board and everyone wants to be the queen and king and dispose of the pawns. I find it hard to understand why people judge their importance based on others perceptions. Isn't how you feel about yourself the most important thing? If you're happy, if you're content with how you feel and your morals then why seek appraisal from people who really don't matter? When your time on earth is over you won't have to answer to them. You'll have to answer to yourself and God, if you believe in Him.

     I know girls that are attractive, smart, and funny, the three characteristics that guys look for the most, become shallow and vapid to grab attention and affection. It's so trivial in the long run. So that person likes a fake version of you now. Congrats. Does that make you feel better about yourself? When you recognize your own self worth only then can you strive to change the negative aspects about yourself. People may view pawns as worthless and subject to throw around carelessly, but at least a pawn knows its place and what it can do. It doesn't try to go over the top and do too much. It's content. Truth, no matter how minor, always out shines a grandiose lie. 

Farewell

Flying 
         down 
                  to the ground like a shooting star. 
All burnt out. 
A song bird that lost its voice.
Am I still the same? 

This bullet entered my head late last night and it just won't leave. 
Slowly traveling to my heart, tearing it to shreds. 
It started as the sweetest kiss and now it has come down to this.
She's smiling in the car with the gun. 

It's not all hopes and dreams anymore. 
It became a reality, but is a dream that comes true worth it when it all gradually fades away? 
Late nights just don't help because when I drink I get so damn depressed. 
Always on the run to keep emotions at bay, but when the tide rolls in it all gets swept away. 
The tears flow freely, slowly eroding away at my body. 

I've never experienced an encounter with an angel. 
Who knew departing could be this painful? 
Can't ask her to stay but the weathers getting colder and the sun is on her mind. 
Can't ask her to stay but I'll think about her all the time. 
To not remember will hide away the pain, but to not remember will hide away my feelings. 
In a different reality maybe I wouldn't have to say goodbye to the thing I cherish the most. 
In a different reality maybe it all worked out perfectly.

Get It Started

Look at what I've done from where I've come.
I got this one chance, one shot you better believe I'm not gonna stop until I'm on top.
They say fake it until you make it.
If that's the case then you better start running because I'm ready to start sprinting.
                             
I'm about to raise the bar, tell me can you do a pull up?
If you think it's hot now watch out because the inferno is only beginning.

F*** all this traditionalism.
There's nothing traditional about a kid from a working poor family grabbing a city's attention.
And when I succeed they'll all say how wonderful it is, and they were with me from the start.
Bull****.
They hate to see someone break out of his class.
If only they had more class.
Better put on that kevlar, I'm gunning for you.
Showtime.

Let's Go For a Dance

Take my hand.
Teach me to dance.
Don't let me fall down.
Will you let me lead?
I won't step on your feet.
The spotlights shining and its all about us.

One day I felt a little brave.
I'm not one to go out on a line but you seemed to be worth the trouble.

Do you hear this love?
Can you see this love?
I can hear it in the way you say my name.
I can see it in the way your eyes light up when they look into mine.
I still get those stupid butterflies when we're alone.
Whenever I'm not by your side I get homesick.
Home is where your heart is and I left mine to you.

What If?

     What if I grew up in a big city? What if I didn't have the parents I do? What if I didn't grow up in a small, conservative, rural town?

     These are all questions I ask myself. No one gets to choose who their parents are, or where they're born. There isn't a system that let's one pick and choose. It's all left to chance. I wouldn't have been the same person if I didn't grow up in Ohio. I don't think I would have had the same passion to do the things I do now. I made the leap to move all the way to New York City for college. I could have stayed in Ohio and went to the acclaimed Ohio State University, but I didn't. I went against every single one of classmates' decisions to stay in the state. I wanted new experiences. New friends. New opportunities. A whole new life.
Was any of this easy? Surprisingly yes. I felt stifled and smothered in my town. Like I was stuck in a time bubble of decades past. Racists and homophobes are quite present. Fake religious values are even more present. It's really funny in a "wow these sort of people still exist" kind of way. High school sporting events are the major topics of conversation, besides rampant gossip that is. Even though all surrounding towns have almost the same about residents and all look essentially the same, people love to say how their town is the best. The best at what? Being ignorant? Being stuck in toxic, traditional viewpoints?

     Now I'm proud of where I come from. It was a nice community, a nice school system, a nice place to grow up. However, most of the people never seem to leave, never experience how life really is. I don't like how people claim their small town is the best place ever when most of them have never traveled outside of the United States. Yet, I knew nothing else for so long but when I got my first taste of NYC I knew there was no turning back, ever. The question I always ask myself is, "what if I didn't grow up in that small town?". Well, I wouldn't be in NYC and my life course would be on an entirely different path right now so for that I am grateful and proud of where I was raised.