The House that Doubt Built

Everyone has had doubt at some point in their life. Doubt that your work is good enough. Doubt that you can land a girl's number. Doubt that you deserve that girl. It surrounds people daily, yet for some they seem to be brimming with confidence and face no doubt whatsoever. I don't know how the fuck they do it. I've struggled with doubt in many aspects of my life. Doubt that I should have such amazing friends. Doubt that I can make it in my career. Doubt that I can make it in NYC. Doubt that I'd be able to get into college. Doubt that I'd even make it through High School alive. I've faced some serious lows in my life where I bathed in doubt, depression, and despair. They almost all coincide with each other it seems, playing the twisted game of trying to destroy a man. I mean, shit for a long while I didn't think I'd be able to get into any college. At that point being dead seemed like a better option because at least then I wouldn't be consuming resources but damn.

Through the last three years I've grown more as a person than I ever deemed imaginable. I owe it all to my interesting life. I was reckless. I was ruthless. I was an idiot. I partied harder than most of the people around me, and yet still found it a good idea to drive home multiple times. The fact that I never killed myself, or worse yet someone else, is a miracle in itself. I was charged with a DUI once , again a miracle happened(I'm starting to think God kind of likes me), got dropped out of court for lack of evidence. This was my first foray into the wonderful world of doubting everything about my self-worth. I mean, one why the hell did I get so lucky? I constantly thought about whether it was just some dumb fluke or that God wanted me to pursue a higher purpose, and that's assuming that my image of God even exists, which I again have my doubts about.

But enough of the doubt and depressing bullshit. No one wants to hear about how the protagonist is defeated or stopped by his demons. That makes for an absolutely shitty story and I'm not trying to outdo Twilight. Anyway, I've had some incredible luck in my life. I've also had some incredible friends and family to drag my ass around, to push me to succeed. I doubt myself all the time, but what 20 year old college kid doesn't? I mean, what normal person doesn't doubt themselves at times? Hardly anyone knows what they want out of life, even if they're older. Most people merely settle for whatever is around them and that is not what I'm about. I moved to New York for a reason. It hasn't been easy by a longshot, but I have two things that keep me going.

If I succeed and hit my mark, then all my haters can go disappear because I made it. If I fail, at least I had the balls to try something different, put it all on the line for something that mattered. I bought the ticket and choose to take the ride. Why didn't you?

YentUp?

YentUp? What the heck is a YentUp? I'm sure you're asking yourself that now. I asked myself that just a few weeks back. Well, you know how there are certain sites online where you can pay to get a doctor's expert advice, or a lawyer's? That's one thing YentUp does, except it's better, because it's free. They offer free advice from experts, or as they affectionately call them, Yentsperts.

Now, I know you could always turn to an advice column in a paper or magazine, except the Yentsperts advice is directly addressed to you. It is directly personalized for you. They have experts on almost every field imaginable. If you have a question, need help, or just want an opinion on history, psychology, relationships, sports, music, film, or anything else possible, then YentUp is made for you. Actually let me make a correction, you don't just get one opinion, you get two,  and it's all done via video so it adds an even more intimate touch. Do you want to know the best part though? You will be able to ask questions 24 hours a day. I'm sure I can't be the only one who has experienced a bad break up at four in the morning just looking for someone to talk to. At least, I hope I'm not. Anyway YentUp can be that proverbial shoulder to cry on, just try not to get your laptop too wet or it may short circuit. Believe it or not that has happened to me...

Okay, now that the image of me weeping over my laptop is gone from your head let's move on.  Advice isn't the only thing YentUp will have to offer. They'll have message boards, videos, and many more treats for you. One in particular is a Yentagram, something I know you will all love, which I will go into more detail in another post. Although YentUp hasn't launched its website yet, it will be doing so shortly. All they have now is a holding page but I would encourage you all to sign up for updates. I mean, why wait? Plus, you may have a chance to win a special prize if you sign up early enough. Until then, try to not break up with your significant other until you have Yentsperts to console you. If you have any questions or are just looking for some information then send an e-mail to info@yentup.com .

http://www.yentup.com/       <------------- Check it out. No really, do it.

A Nightmare in the Awakened

"Those words...I cannot let them pass my lips. I will not. I don't believe in what you're proposing. I can't do this anymore. This is where I leave.....I'm sorry Jax. Enjoy your summer." - Sophia

My name is Jax. I am currently 20 years old, white, 5'11, and of very average build. I am a self-medicater, depressed, and quite guilt-ridden. I am currently being processed for release from Pathways Rehabilitation Center. My doctor said that I am perfectly healthy now--a model kid. If he honestly believes that bullshit that is spewing from his lips, and I'm a model kid, our world is doomed.

He also told me that a 50 mg script of Zoloft would help keep me "balanced".  If you think it sounds like crap, I agree.I mean, I'm not too sure what he means by that, but the image that comes to my mind is a teeter-totter. Except it's impossible for it to ever stay balanced because someone always weighs more.

Now, I'm sure all of you are wondering why I was in a mental health facility, and I'm sure you all have your own guesses. Well, I'd rather not go into all the bloody details, but I'm trying this whole honesty thing now so whatever. I tried to off myself a few weeks back. Don't get too alarmed. They were feeble, half-hearted attempts. For one I just laid under the exhaust pipe of my car for about 20 minutes...but I was outside so you can see why that didn't work. The other one I tried to choke myself with an extension cord tied tightly around my neck. That was even more pathetic. I mean, Carradine did it on accident and I couldn't even do it on purpose. Truly pathetic. It's really sad to fail at everything in life, even trying to extinguish it.

Umm, so I'm not really sure where to continue. Where should I begin? Every story has to start somewhere right? But I don't want to leave out any important details. See, my therapist told me to write out my reasons for trying to commit suicide, but it's not so simple as making a list.

-lack of motivation
-legal troubles
-family issues
-feeling like a complete disappointment
-feeling like a complete failure
-lack of real friends
-lack of a girlfriend
-depressed
-substance abuser

While that list is a brief overview, it doesn't exactly tell you who I am, or why I felt the way I did. That's why I'm writing down all I can remember with the hope that I can learn something about myself, about my past behavior, with the idea that maybe, if I'm lucky, I'll know where I'm headed in the future.

Well Dr. Kesey, I think I know where my story beings, but I'm still a little unsure of the ending. Hunter S. Thompson said to just  "buy the ticket, take the ride" and that "if it occasionally gets a little heavier than what you had in mind, well...maybe chalk it off to forced conscious expansion". Here's hoping he wasn't a complete lunatic because I can't afford to buy another ticket, especially after I tried to punch out my first one.

                                               -Jax

How...how do I it? How do I tell you that you mean the world to me? That I would not hesitate to give up my life for you? That I just want to hold you in my arms? That I want to love you forever and ever? That I want you right here by my side? That I want you to come back? That I think what you're doing is wrong and stupid? That I just want you to be mine again. That I want you to want me like I do you. How do I tell you that I love you and want you back in my life?

Answer the Door

Gazing at your pretty eyes I can tell you hide tremendous sadness behind them. 
Too scared to open the door inside you keep it locked from the other side. 
Girl, I know you don't want a savior, but you could use a little saving. 
Please don't turn to the shadows for cover. 
We're all a little broken. 
I'm captivated by your lovely smile, but I see past the thinly veiled veneer. 
I promise you this the key to freedom is in letting in a little more love. 
A little's enough. 
You may be a little broken, but so am I, and maybe with a bit of trust our cracks will align, falling into wondrous harmony. 
What will it be? 
Will you open up for me? 
Remember, if you never unlock the door you might just miss fate's knock.

Disease

I have this sickness in my soul. 
It grows a little stronger every day. 
The thoughts grow a little darker, my actions bleaker. 
It's a battle I've been fighting all my life, and it never gets any easier, never any better. 
I've been looking for a savior in all the wrong places. 
Desperately seeking a miraculous cure. 
Distractions are many, but they only conceal the pain, never taking it away completely. 
Nothing but a mere veneer. 
Confidence is waning. 
Hope is fading. 
Everything seems surreal. 
A mind is a terrible thing to waste but when you're trapped inside it seems like a good thing to lose. 
And the hard part is the only one who can save me is myself, and I have to ask: am I worth saving?

Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom

     I want to ask you all a question: where has the honesty, the truth-telling in society gone? I'm sure any of you who turned on the news in the last ten years have noticed that 75% of it is all shit. Complete and utter shit. In fact it's actually worse than that. At least shit can be used for fertilizer. Carl Bernstein, one of the main journalists to report on The Watergate Scandal, said it best with: “The lowest form of popular culture -- lack of information, misinformation, and a contempt for the truth or the reality of most people's lives -- has overrun real journalism. Today, ordinary Americans are being stuffed with garbage.” Maybe that's a contributing reason why America is one of the most obese countries in the world...

     No one likes to tell the truth anymore. Everyone puts up a facade. A veneer to cover up their insecurities, their fears, their worries. Some people tend to think that lying makes them more interesting or a better person. These people are so clueless and lost. The truth, reality, is far more intriguing than a long string of lies. The truth is real (obviously). It helps defines who a person actually is. It gives them depth, character, explains their flaws and their positive traits. To lie about yourself is really quite sad. It means you're not proud of yourself; you're not happy with yourself. To lie is to completely deny the very flesh and blood of who you are. And that my friends is a lot of bullshit, to deny who you are as a human being, as a tiny piece of God (sorry my atheists friends).

     I'm certainly not the best example of being an excellent, upstanding, or even a good student, brother, son, boyfriend, or friend but I refuse to lie about who I am, my past, or my stories. Most of you know about my troubled past and recurring problems (legal issues, drug and alcohol issues, mental issues, don't be afraid to ask more if you want), and I never shy away from going into detail. Why should I feel guilt or regret for who I am? I've owned up to my mistakes (and have repeated those same mistakes over and over) and I've learned a wealth of knowledge from them. I've literally told complete strangers some deeply personal stories because conversations, relationships should be an intimate thing. Social media and rampant cell phone use have degraded the art of having a real person-to-person conversation. While living in New York City, and having some absolutely amazing friends I am always meeting some of their friends from back home (or even just random people at parties), and I choose to tell them these personal things because it lets them into my world a little bit, lets them see how I ended up as me, and they feel more comfortable opening up themselves. When that person leaves and goes on with their life I probably won't ever see them again, but I'll know that the time we had together was real, it was a real moment. It was an honest moment. It was something that can't be fabricated. That is something that is truly special.

Lying is easy, if you have a good memory. It's also easy to get caught in a lie. Don't hide behind a wall of lies. Don't be such a fucking coward. One of my favorite, if not the most, quotes is by the legendary front man of The Doors, Jim Morrison. “People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all...Feelings are disturbing...Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”
Author Tad Williams says something similar as well, "We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us.  But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger"
Will Smith even has a few sentences to say on the subject: “You can't be scared to die for the truth. The truth is the only thing that is ever going to be constant.”

     If you lie your ass off and create these ridiculous stories you will never have a true, close relationship. I don't see how you could possibly feel fulfilled if you're a compulsive liar. People may tolerate you, but I don't see how they could possibly respect you. Speaking from personal experience I have a few friends who lie about the dumbest stuff and while I love them to death I am always questioning every little thing that they say. On the other side of the field I have a friend who is always completely honest, doesn't lie about the smallest things, and I have so much respect for him. I'll end with a quote by myself, Benjamin James Bockrath, mental case, decent student, occasional writer/poet, compulsive cleaner, history nerd, zoloft-taking, and sometimes a pretty cool guy: When you begin to be honest with yourself you will find that your life, however chaotic it is, will fall into place a little easier, a little smoother, and a little more enjoyable.