Answer the Door

Gazing at your pretty eyes I can tell you hide tremendous sadness behind them. 
Too scared to open the door inside you keep it locked from the other side. 
Girl, I know you don't want a savior, but you could use a little saving. 
Please don't turn to the shadows for cover. 
We're all a little broken. 
I'm captivated by your lovely smile, but I see past the thinly veiled veneer. 
I promise you this the key to freedom is in letting in a little more love. 
A little's enough. 
You may be a little broken, but so am I, and maybe with a bit of trust our cracks will align, falling into wondrous harmony. 
What will it be? 
Will you open up for me? 
Remember, if you never unlock the door you might just miss fate's knock.

Disease

I have this sickness in my soul. 
It grows a little stronger every day. 
The thoughts grow a little darker, my actions bleaker. 
It's a battle I've been fighting all my life, and it never gets any easier, never any better. 
I've been looking for a savior in all the wrong places. 
Desperately seeking a miraculous cure. 
Distractions are many, but they only conceal the pain, never taking it away completely. 
Nothing but a mere veneer. 
Confidence is waning. 
Hope is fading. 
Everything seems surreal. 
A mind is a terrible thing to waste but when you're trapped inside it seems like a good thing to lose. 
And the hard part is the only one who can save me is myself, and I have to ask: am I worth saving?

Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom

     I want to ask you all a question: where has the honesty, the truth-telling in society gone? I'm sure any of you who turned on the news in the last ten years have noticed that 75% of it is all shit. Complete and utter shit. In fact it's actually worse than that. At least shit can be used for fertilizer. Carl Bernstein, one of the main journalists to report on The Watergate Scandal, said it best with: “The lowest form of popular culture -- lack of information, misinformation, and a contempt for the truth or the reality of most people's lives -- has overrun real journalism. Today, ordinary Americans are being stuffed with garbage.” Maybe that's a contributing reason why America is one of the most obese countries in the world...

     No one likes to tell the truth anymore. Everyone puts up a facade. A veneer to cover up their insecurities, their fears, their worries. Some people tend to think that lying makes them more interesting or a better person. These people are so clueless and lost. The truth, reality, is far more intriguing than a long string of lies. The truth is real (obviously). It helps defines who a person actually is. It gives them depth, character, explains their flaws and their positive traits. To lie about yourself is really quite sad. It means you're not proud of yourself; you're not happy with yourself. To lie is to completely deny the very flesh and blood of who you are. And that my friends is a lot of bullshit, to deny who you are as a human being, as a tiny piece of God (sorry my atheists friends).

     I'm certainly not the best example of being an excellent, upstanding, or even a good student, brother, son, boyfriend, or friend but I refuse to lie about who I am, my past, or my stories. Most of you know about my troubled past and recurring problems (legal issues, drug and alcohol issues, mental issues, don't be afraid to ask more if you want), and I never shy away from going into detail. Why should I feel guilt or regret for who I am? I've owned up to my mistakes (and have repeated those same mistakes over and over) and I've learned a wealth of knowledge from them. I've literally told complete strangers some deeply personal stories because conversations, relationships should be an intimate thing. Social media and rampant cell phone use have degraded the art of having a real person-to-person conversation. While living in New York City, and having some absolutely amazing friends I am always meeting some of their friends from back home (or even just random people at parties), and I choose to tell them these personal things because it lets them into my world a little bit, lets them see how I ended up as me, and they feel more comfortable opening up themselves. When that person leaves and goes on with their life I probably won't ever see them again, but I'll know that the time we had together was real, it was a real moment. It was an honest moment. It was something that can't be fabricated. That is something that is truly special.

Lying is easy, if you have a good memory. It's also easy to get caught in a lie. Don't hide behind a wall of lies. Don't be such a fucking coward. One of my favorite, if not the most, quotes is by the legendary front man of The Doors, Jim Morrison. “People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all...Feelings are disturbing...Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”
Author Tad Williams says something similar as well, "We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us.  But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger"
Will Smith even has a few sentences to say on the subject: “You can't be scared to die for the truth. The truth is the only thing that is ever going to be constant.”

     If you lie your ass off and create these ridiculous stories you will never have a true, close relationship. I don't see how you could possibly feel fulfilled if you're a compulsive liar. People may tolerate you, but I don't see how they could possibly respect you. Speaking from personal experience I have a few friends who lie about the dumbest stuff and while I love them to death I am always questioning every little thing that they say. On the other side of the field I have a friend who is always completely honest, doesn't lie about the smallest things, and I have so much respect for him. I'll end with a quote by myself, Benjamin James Bockrath, mental case, decent student, occasional writer/poet, compulsive cleaner, history nerd, zoloft-taking, and sometimes a pretty cool guy: When you begin to be honest with yourself you will find that your life, however chaotic it is, will fall into place a little easier, a little smoother, and a little more enjoyable.

Innocent Girl

You played the role of an innocent girl and I fell into your sick web of love. 
You make breaking hearts look so easy.
Do you collect the blood you spill? Gather the tears that fall because of you? 
It's hard to carry on when I have to stumble past the path of corpses you left in your wake. 
I can only hope I don't become one of those poor souls. 


Can you still feel it? 
My heartbeat going at a steady pace. 
You sped it up, now you're trying to stop it altogether. 
I won't let it happen. 
I can't let it happen. 
I refuse to believe that my girl isn't out there somewhere,
past the sea of lies and mountains of despair. 
I'll strive to survive so I can gaze upon her unknown face. 


Maybe if I turn back now I can save my tear stained face. 
I wanted to be your last first kiss. 
Now its all memories miss. 
I hope to see you again in hell. 
I'm a couple steps ahead of you since you already threw me down here. 
Don't fret, I'll claw my way up so we can be on even footing.

College Life (Isn't what you expect)

We all have heard people say that college isn't right for everybody, except my generation really hasn't. Most of my life I've heard teachers, parents, and peers all say that college is the way to go. The way to get a good job that pays well. The way to success. Basically the way to happiness itself. I think it was the late, great Steve Jobs himself who essentially said that today society is way too focused on college and not enough on creativity. Everybody knows someone who didn't go to college and is doing quite well off today, or everybody can at least point to Bill Gates or Jobs who both dropped out of college. 

As my finals are approaching I opened up my notes and books an organized them, and then I started looking at this zombie story I'm starting to write and got distracted. For anyone who doesn't know me too well I'm pretty much the biggest zombie freak ever. I hope to kick it with Romero before he croaks. (Look him up you sad fools who don't know who he is.) See, I can think of a 100 reasons to continue to write my story and dream about it, and only about five for while I should study for my final. I never cared for my grades in high school. I'm a big fan of learning on your own, which I do a lot of. For example I'll dispel a few commons myths right now. Shaving does NOT make your hair grow back thicker and darker. Sugar does NOT make you hyper. Christopher Columbus never "discovered" America, and people back then NEVER believed the Earth was flat. A girl on her period does not release hormones that make her act like a "bitch". That's merely a product of our culture and society.(Ask me for my sources if you really honestly care and I'll be happy to send them to you.) There is so much disinformation out there it's ridiculous. There is so much crap that people spout off as historical when it's in reality a very skewed version of it. My high school history teacher who I very, very highly admire has even quoted a few "facts" wrong.

It all makes it really hard for me to find the motivation to do well in school. If I really cared about half of the stuff I was required to know I would do research about it on my own. My junior year in  high school I had to take a geometry class. It was the most boring class I've ever had the misfortune to be a part of. It wasn't the teacher's fault, entirely anyway. By the end of the year we had an unspoken agreement that I would just sit there and not disrupt her class if she just left me alone free to write worthless poems in the margins of my notes. 

I'm rambling at this point. I blame my idol Hunter S. Thompson for that trait. Anyway what I'm saying is that college can be a bullshit, overrated institution. I thought I would actually have to bust ass to pass. It turns out it really is just as easy as high school and what have  I learned from it? Not a whole lot. I feel like that it's similar to that quote from Good Will Hunting, "...you dropped a hundred and fifty grand on a fuckin’ education you coulda' got for a dollar fifty in late charges at the Public Library." It's so true. College is a sham. The public library and internet has everything your professors try to teach you. If you want the knowledge it's out there. Just go grab it. Yet society thinks if you don't have some shitty piece of paper that says you graduated from some shit college then you won't get ahead. Get a job. Blah, blah, blah. I've been told I'm lazy and unmotivated when it comes to classes...and it's true. I just don't care, and honestly I'm tired of trying to do it the traditional way. The commonly accepted way. Fuck that. I'll make it on my own terms.

Rabbit Hole

Thrust into the unknown.
Who knows what I'll become.
Tumbling down the rabbit hole,
Mud clings to my clothes and I'm afraid I can't see,
Can't see exactly what I'm supposed to be.

Dead or alive?
It's all so surreal.
I can't tell fact from fiction.
Sifting through delusions to uncover the truth, but the truth cannot be found
So I'm left to wonder did it ever really exist?
Was it ever something tangible, or was it merely a fairytale?
The answer may never be found but that doesn't mean the question shouldn't be raised.

And so I ask this, will I be a better man when all is said and done, or will I continue to stumble down the hole never gaining a foothold?

Disappointed

     Disappointed. That word holds more weight to me than any other word I know. Disappointed in my felony four vandalism charge. Disappointed in my DUI charge. Disappointed in my three or four underage alcohol consumption charges. (I'm honestly not sure how many it is. Sad I know) I'm disappointed in my actions this previous weekend.

     It feels like I'm constantly switching between being content with who I am, and feeling completely worthless. It's a complete transformation. It's really a constant struggle; a rather annoying one at that. However, what's more annoying is the perception people get from disappointment. They think that one mistake, or a series of mistakes defines your character and entire person. Not true at all. I have a drinking problem. That's obvious to see. What I don't have is a problem with being violent, racist, homophobic, close-minded, or any other thing along the same lines. I have some incredibly close relationships with some absolutely incredible people. Anybody I know isn't surprised when I trip and fall into the shit again. They know I do it quite frequently, but they also know I crawl back up and painstakingly wash myself off and take off at a sprint. They know it's not going to alter my character, if anything it only strengthens it as a whole. It enables me to deal with more adversity. If I went through my life without failing and disappointment then I would lose my passion, my drive to prove everyone wrong. If I constantly succeed or God forbid, exceed what people expect from me then I get bored. Also, people should know by now I can be erratic at times. I also love to party. It's not a crime but I take it to excess sometimes. I'm not lying to you when I say I've become a hundred times better in the past 6 months, but that doesn't mean all my old problems are magically cured.

     I want just want to say thanks to all my doubters. The people who I just love to disappointment over and over. To everyone who still expects me to end up in the ground early. To everyone who thinks I'm a failure. You guys are the only people who can get me motivated to stop being such a lazy ass. I truly thank you. I feed off of your disappointment. I abso-fucking-lutely love it. Everyday that I'm thankful enough to be alive I look in the mirror, and I see this person staring back at me. I am disappointed in that person, but not for the reasons listed above. I'm disappointed in myself because it's going to take me a little longer until I can make all my doubters eat their words. Sorry guys just give me a little more time.